Tell me why i care. why i feel everything and nothing at the same time. why i'm fine, but at the same time completely broken. i'm wrong. i know that. i can't be mad. i know that. and yet my feelings exist. is that wrong? that my mind and my actions and my feelings can't peacefully coexist. they can't. they are opposite. like two life long enemies who are secretly in love. i wish i had love. selfish selfish selfish. i am selfish. this entire thought this entire writing is about me. because no matter how i try i will never see the world from the 'right' point of view. i will always be fundamentally flawed, sometimes all i want to say is, what about me. when i'm told i'm insignificant, when my dad yells at me, when my friend is venting their problem. what about me? selfish girl. stupid girl. dumb and vain. self obsessed. isn't it basic decency to not talk about yourself constantly? why is that the only thing i want to do? and why is that all that i do. and yet it's never enough. nothing is ever enough for me. i cannot be content. i want to smoke. i want drugs. honestly. it's what makes me complacent. a better being. a dazed zombie. less thoughts, less feelings. numb. a pain killer. a happiness bringer. because i can't cry, and yet i feel completely and utterly empty inside. and who cares. thoughts are for myself. i lost those with whom i could share it. they don't want me.
