INTERMISSIONS

INTERMISSION OCT 20

"Matthew?", you asked , flashing a brief smile.

And right there was my undoing.

I am not someone who falls in love quickly.

I think I only ever loved one other person before meeting you. And that took me years to acknowledge.

But here I was, free falling after a second in your presence.

I decided I couldn't do this. Couldn't let myself be roommates with you. It would only break my heart.

I told you I dated men. Tried to confuse you with all the jargon I knew from my gender sensitivity lectures and psychology classes. I said I would not tolerate a hint of homophobia.

These were all true of course. But I said them in a way meant to scare you off.

But you only seemed puzzled for a couple of minutes. Soon, you were smiling again - and you began talking about your guitar.

I had to ask if you heard anything of what I said. And you looked into my eyes and assured me, that you have no problems at all with who I am and would love to get to know me better. As long as I had no problems that you sometimes played your instruments at 3am.

The interview turned into a long brunch. You were sparse with your words at first but soon was telling me the silliest stories. I was cursing every god in the universe- because here you were the love of my life and I was certain you would never love me back.

I was hoping life together in a small space would show me your flaws and finally snap me from this senseless feeling.

But life together was sublime.

Simply seeing you could melt away the worst of days. Hearing you laugh powered me in a way no book or coffee ever could. You put a hand on my shoulder and I felt safe. You make me a plate of eggs and I feel cherished.

You knew when to listen and when to give advice. You remembered that I hate capers and I like all my noodles spicy. You would do my half of the chores for me when you knew my course load that week was heavy.

You did these silently, never asking me for anything in return.

You had no idea that you already owned all of me. That in exchange for you simply being - I had bartered my heart.

I reciprocated at first. Simply because I could not help myself.

I couldn't help but worry that there was no time to eat when you rushed from the Math department to the Music department- so I made you packed lunches with little notes of friendly support.

I couldn't help but distract you from your stress with sweets - under the guise of me making too much.

I couldn't help but join you on those sleepless nights as you tinkered with your music. Helping you write lyrics. Singing along to your songs.

I couldn't help myself from massaging your shoulders whenever you looked tense. Telling you over and over as I kneaded your knots away that everything will be okay.

I couldn't help but listen to you talk about music, your family, your dreams - even when spending time with you made me fall deeper and deeper.

My wake up call came when I threw you a small surprise birthday party. I remember your shining eyes as you blew the candle on your cake. Your smile so big, your usually stern face becoming pudgy and soft and angelic.