Well Then

3

Holy shit she read them. For once she actually uses the gift I gave her and it's to read something completely unhinged from my very greened out mind in the middle of a loneliness episode. I read them back now and I wanna jump off a bridge and crack my head open so I never do anything so stupid again. I FLIRTED WITH HER AND MADE VERY SEXUALLY GRAPHIC STATEMENTS ABOUT HER HAIR WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!
With the update for iPhones that lets you unsend texts I thought I could undo it the morning when I woke up but that hope died quickly.  She read them.  She read them all.  I wanna crawl into a hole and die, I can't imagine how grossed out she might be by me right now. 
    She probably sent me that text to let me know she's on campus and to stay away from her when I get there. 
" Oh, cool."  Yeah, real cool you fucking idiot.  Will she wanna transfer?  Would she even count me as a friend anymore at this point?  Having a crush on her is one thing and she barely tolerated it but the shit I sent her is insane.  I was going on a spiral and I was high and lonely and horny and oh my god I might as well have driven drunk I shouldn't be allowed to use a phone while high or maybe at all.  I don't even know who I can talk to about this, I texted her in the first place because I didn't have anyone else.  Ajax is great but he's not a wordy guy over text or even a great texter in general, he would've taken hours to respond.  Bianca is a definite 'no' for multiple reasons, I don't have anyone else I feel close to like that except Wednesday and I didn't even think she'd read them! They were my ramblings, why didn't I just use my sketchbook and draw her naked again like after I had my first dream of her? I feel guilty about that but at least she wouldn't know about that!  Unless she has a vision about it...Or why didn't I just FALL ASLEEP LIKE A NORMAL POTHEAD!?
   She already thinks I'm a pussy because of fucking Galpin and his bullshit and because she took an arrow for me to save my life when my whole intention was to save her from the zombie pilgrim bitch last term but instead I only got her more hurt.  But now to pile on she probably thinks I'm some creepy incel that won't stop jerking it to her.  Which I mean, half of that isn't true.  But I don't feel entitled to her, nice as it would be.  I just wanna be her friend, just her friend.  I don't expect anything more, not after the shitshow that happened with the monster.  She probably never wants to see another guy in her life, let alone date and here I am telling her how I think about her mouth more often than I think about food and how the only thing I can think about eating is her.  Holy fuck she probably hates me.  Or worse, she probably pities me and feels disgusted. 
   I get to school in a day and I still have no idea how to explain myself other than "I'm sorry I was high and I haven't had sex in a very long time.  It went 'Bianca', random girl I met in the library a week after Bianca and I broke up, then nothing until now so I've been rubbin 'em out."   I can't smoke again.  Clearly I'm too stupid to function normally.

   *Incoming FaceTime* Wednesday Addams

Oh no.  No no no no nooooo she probably wants to confront me before she has to see me face to face.  Fuck it.  Be a man, Xavier. 
  "Wednesday, I'm so sorry- Oh.  Hey Thing."  I see Thing on the desk in Wednesdays's room in school, Enid clearly isn't there yet, not colorful enough in the background. 
"Hey kid."

"What's up?  Is Wednesday okay?" 

"She's fine, tired but we just got here an hour ago with Alicia."

"Who?"

"Her aunt Alicia, she's the new house mother for Ophelia House and the new herbology teacher.  We rode with her here early."

"Oh, cool."  I have to stop saying that.

"Yeah.  Listen, Wednesday didn't read all your texts." 

"Oh my god, dude are you serious?"

"Did you mean for her to?"

"No!  No, I didn't.  I was high, I didn't even remember I'd sent them until the next morning and by then it was too late to unsend them.  How do you know she didn't?"