If Only

1

This story is intended to promote suicide awareness, a lot of signs are missed by people or ignored because it's easier or you don't want to get in trouble. Whatever the case may be we lose far too many people from them taking their own lives. Please check on your friends, family, anyone you cross path with. People are important and all we have is one another. I do want to warn there are some heavy topics included in this story, suicide, rape, and substance abuse are spoken about heavily. Please proceed with caution. Last thing, this is a short story so it should only be about four sections. Thanks. 

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October 30th, 2016

About 3:30 am

"Hey, can I come over? I know I said I was heading out to go to bed but I can't be alone right now." I had been spending far too much time with my friends and needed time to study so I left early this one night. Looking back, that was the wrong choice.

"Yeah I told you, you can come over anytime, Zack and I are cool with you being here. You good though?" Wilde was really good at pretending he cared most times. Sometimes it really felt like he did care. I was accepting of attention of any kind though, so I accepted it.

"Yeah, yeah I'm good, just had a crazy night and I'm running on adrenaline right now. I'll be good though." I actually felt like I was losing my mind at the moment, but I had to be the chill, cool girl to impress. I went back up to my room and grabbed a couple of my things and packed a small bag because I wasn't planning on returning to my dorm for a couple nights. I didn't really have a plan, all I knew was I should not be alone.

I walked out of my dorm hall and headed across campus as my mom texted, I had already told her I was in bed, said goodnight and that I loved her, I didn't have any clue she'd find out I was lying to her because of the events that proceed later in the night. You never know when your life is going to be completely altered. It'd be nice if the world gave you some kind of warning, but unfortunately it doesn't work that way. I checked my phone, 'I love you, I just woke up with a bad feeling and wanted to make sure you're okay, text me back when you see this.' My mom always knows when something is wrong. I don't know how she does it but she just knows. It's like a sixth sense. I ignored the text. I wasn't about to catch her up on all the crazy shit happening. I'm going to let her live in the dark so she's not more worried because she's already pretty paranoid about my well-being. She does her best, she really tries, she's just over protective. A bit smoothery, but it's her way of caring. A very "by the book" type and by by the book I mean the bible. I've learned to lie pretty well at this point to avoid her disappointment. 

As I neared Wilde's dorm hall I saw James with Grey outside. A cigarette held in Grey's fingers and a smile on James' face. James is my best friend here. We tell each other almost everything, even things like the fact that he is in love with me. We actually went to high school together and never spoke to one another other than the short while he dated my best friend at the time. Pretty sure he really did not like me back then, not in the slightest. Things have changed however, we spend every day with each other, we cook terrible pasta together, spill it in the sink, and still eat it together because we're both broke college students. He taught me how to play fortnite and I steal his computer to play it more often than I should. He doesn't seem to mind though, says he just enjoys my company. He was the only thing keeping me from having a mental breakdown through parts of the semester. He knew immediately something was off when he saw me. He was good.

"What's wrong?" I knew he wasn't going to accept it if I said nothing.

"Oh I just had a rough night, I'll tell everyone up stairs but I don't want to tell the whole story a bunch of times. Is that okay?" He leaned in for a hug and nodded, and we headed up, Grey following behind. James lives right next door to Wilde and Zack so we just headed straight into their room.

"Hey guys. Is there any booze left?" I was ready to get fucked up and turn this night around, take my mind off things.

"Hey Rose, how about you tell us what the hell is happening first, you sounded really stressed on the phone," Zack's girlfriend Aiden actually cared, she had a kind soul and deserved better than Zack. She obviously had a lot of bad stuff in her life before, and really just wanted to be there for people when she could.

I went to sit down with Aiden on one of the beds, we liked to cuddle sometimes. "Yeah uh it's kind of a long story and doesn't really have an end because I don't even really know what just happened. Y'all ready? Also can I have the mad dog while I tell it or am I supposed to wait to get drunk?" I may have been giggling when I asked about the booze, but it wasn't actually funny, I wanted to be gone. Laughing when uncomfortable has to be some sort of trauma response right? 

"Yeah we're all here for you," Wilde is really good at being fake caring as I said previously. He actually couldn't have cared less but I didn't learn that till later, "you never act this serious so I really hope you're okay."

"Okay so it started basically when I left here earlier," I started my story, they all seem to be in a light mood. I'm about to ruin it by telling one of the heaviest stories I could. It probably didn't sound that bad to others, I was just scared shitless and felt like what happened was insane. I'm not sure. This however was only the start and I couldn't fathom just how badly it would all end.