Terms of Endearment │Part I: The Princess and the Rogue

Chapter 4: Stepmother

THE PRINCESS

You never really thought a lot about the things you used to do with Mama. Now that she is dead, you begin to see all the ways that your days and nights had so so much Mama and not much of everyone else.

When Brella woke you up and got you into your dress, you would go straight to wherever Mama is to break your fast. Sometimes, that was in her rooms or in her solar where the sun shone in from the window and made you yawn. Other times, she would be with Papa in the Council rooms or with 'Nyra, so you'd go there instead. Mama always helped you by cutting up your food with the knife because you are too little to touch it, and then she watched you with kind eyes while you used the fork very carefully. After you finished all your food, you would sit on the floor with Brella and learn each of your letters by tracing the etchings in your hornbook and thinking of all the things that started with that letter. Your favourite letter is 'M' for Mama. You also like 'R' for 'Nyra because her full name is Rhae-nyra, but you stutter when you have to say the whole thing. Then, you would play with your dolls for a while, and then have some more food, and then take a nap. When you woke up, Brella would teach you some of the steps to the dances that grown-up ladies do—one day, you'll be grown-up and do them, too, so it is important to know them and practise all the steps so that the lords think you are pretty and marriage-able. Mama would then take you outside to play, or even just walk around the gardens so that you could touch all the flowers and feel warm in the sunshine. Brella would give you a bath, and then you would eat supper, and then Mama or maybe Uncle would come and read you a story and you'd go to sleep.

But Mama is gone now, and Brella is the only person that is the same from your days and nights before Mama went away and became not-real.

You never saw much of 'Nyra before, because she is ten years older and that means she doesn't want to play with little girls like you all day. 'Nyra comes by lots now, almost as much as Mama did, and she sits and plays dolls or teaches you more words in High Valyrian. It is nice, even though she always has to leave for her Council meetings because she is the heir now. But you don't mind. Usually, Alicent stays behind to practice your dance steps with you or to trace over the letters in your hornbook. When you get upset—letters are very hard and sometimes you want to throw the hornbook away, but Brella tells you "no" which makes you frustrated—Alicent sings songs her mama taught her, and when she hugs you, it is like it was with Mama, special and warm and love-feeling on the inside, like butterflies.

Even though 'Nyra and Alicent and Brella all try so so hard to fill your days and nights with all the things you used to do, like it is the same as it was, it's not the same. You dance and play and eat and learn and sleep but Mama isn't there to help with any of it like before. It makes you cry sometimes, sudden and coming from nowhere at all. You just stop and cry and cry and no hug or song can make it any better, and you cannot say exactly why you are crying because you don't know how to put it in words. You don't know how to talk about the way you miss Mama when you see the flowers and she's not there to tell you their names, or when you learn the dances and she doesn't hum the music that you do the steps to, or when you want a hug the most and no one can do it exactly right like she can. So, you cry, and you have to wait for all the tears to get themselves out before you can stop.

It isn't all sad, though. Some things are good, too.

Like Papa. Since he had come to tell you that Mama and Baelon died, he has ignored you, which means he doesn't look at you or talk to you or even think you exist. Brella and Alicent said it is because he is grieving, because he is feeling sorrow, so you try not to be so upset that he doesn't love you anymore. But one day, instead of 'Nyra coming to see you, Papa does.