Curiosity

Chapter 26

I've tried to think about God being someone that decided your luck. Austin believes that God only gives you what you can handle, which is something I will let him believe. It's not like I can force him to think differently, it's what he believes and what he looks up to.

But the closer I become to not believing in a higher power, the more "luck" becomes bullshit to me. Well, "luck" from the higher power. It's tough though, to claim that luck is real thing because I don't believe in someone creating a situation for me to be "lucky" in. But then again, it's not luck if somebody knows about it. And if God created my luck, he knew about it, and that, is not luck. That is a set up situation. There is no luck involved with someone controlling it.

For religious people, that is life. What I define as luck with a higher power is not luck; it is the world they live in. God created situations for them, that He put you in that scenario. That is not luck. That "luck" is a controlled environment.

That's if you believe in God in the first place.

So how does luck happen if it's completely random and not planned out for you by a higher?

Well, how does situational irony happen?

I don't know!

Ha, I've been pondering the thought of luck for a while.

Doesn't shit just happen in life?

So if we call it happenstance, and that things just happen, is it luck? Or happenstance?

I wish I could claim that luck is controlled, it would make so much more sense. That God created a situation where you wake up, have a shitty ass day and then on your way home, an ice cream truck runs into you and you win a lawsuit for 500,000 dollars. It's so easy to claim that a higher person planned that out and that you were lucky it happened.

But again. Luck isn't controllable.

So, no, I don't think Marnie was unlucky that she was depressed. I think Marnie happened to be unhappy with her life, she surrounded herself around things that made her unhappy.

She is not unlucky it happened to her

Nor am I unlucky because she is dead. I'm unlucky because I didn't catch her in time, because that just happened with no control. No one controlled her to feel that way and because I didn't stop it, that was unlucky.

Nor was it lucky that I ran into Harry at the bookstore,  but I was lucky because he liked me back.

But that is part of my insecurity, does that mean my luck is different than others?

Well, duh, my brother thinks his luck is because of God.

My mom doesn't believe in luck.

Of course it's different.

I just wish this topic made more sense to me.

March 11th, 2012

"I just don't like that it took you a long time to respond" I finally say after long moments of silence together. My back is still towards Harry but he sits next to me with his hand on my back. "I had a long day and I just wanted, I just I don't know. I just didn't like how you didn't respond" I stutter, "I wanted you to just like tell her off for her trying to give you her number"

"I can't read your mind Taylor" he comments. Of course he comments like a boy. Not like a man where he says I'm so sorry I know that probably wasn't what you wanted to hear, or see. I'm not sure why I stuttered, especially when I have you. It shouldn't even have been a thought

But no, I get a, I'm a man and I have no faults and it's now about pleasing me, not doing whats right

It's not hard to please a girl. It's always been a joke about how we are all so "fucking complicated" but honestly, I just wanted him to apologize for what I feel that he did wrong.