Waves Of Despair (MuiTan - TanMui)

Chapter One - The First Breaking Point

This accident just immediately made me even more insecure about myself. I hated myself but now the hatred grew even more with each passing second. I always struggled to somehow feel proud of myself when it came to my weight.

My mother always said "it's better to be a little overweight and healthy, there's nothing healthy or pretty about being skinny" and I believed her but.. now that I think about it more.. skinny people always have more people who like them.. right?

I knew I had to do something about it if I wanted to be loved by everyone.. but.. how can someone love me if I can't even love myself.. How can I get through this without being a burden to someone?

All those questions circled my mind as I just sat on the cold floor, sobbing and considering calling my mother to pick me up but.. what will I say? I can't say that I got beat up.. she doesn't even know that I am into guys so.. what if she doesn't accept me..

I sighed and immediately let the thought of calling mom get out of my head. I just sat there, sobbing as much as I needed to, cleaning up the blood from my nose with toilet paper, hoping it would stop bleeding soon.

…

Once I got home, I was luckily alone because my mother was still at work until 6pm and my younger brother was most likely with her. I dropped my bag on the floor and immediately went to a bathroom where I locked myself and searched through a cabinet, trying to find anything that would help me lose weight quickly.

I found laxatives.. good enough for now, it'll help somehow, right..?

More I thought about it and the more I looked at myself in the mirror, I knew it wasn't enough and continued to search but without any success. There was always an option of just.. not eating but.. will I be able to control myself..? What will happen if I just go a whole day without food..?

I sat down on a floor and began to search up any methods of how to lose weight but all of it took so much time and effort.. I didn't want to wait that long.

The more I scrolled, the darker it got.. eventually the site took me onto a Wikipedia page talking about anorexia and bulimia, saying how dangerous weight loss might be if it's not managed right and carefully.

One paragraph caught my eye.. it read "purging refers to using compensatory measures such as vomiting, misusing laxatives, taking diet pills, or engaging in excessive exercise as a means of managing calorie intake"

Right.. this is what mom warned me about.. but it won't hurt to do it a couple times, right? Just.. until I get skinner.. yea.. until I am happy with myself.

…

It was a horrible.. horrible mistake. I did it once.. then I did it again.. and now I can't stop, I became obsessed with my weight and how I looked, I compared myself to literally everyone, hating every part of my body as days passed.

I hate myself, I hate everything about me, I hate my hair, my eyes, my cheeks, my nose, my neck, my arms, my legs, my stomach, my waist, my ears.. everything. I hate everything about myself. I want to be pretty and skinny like everyone else..

Every day, the first thing I do in the morning is stand in front of a mirror and look at myself, thinking of how disgusting I look and what I want to do today to change it.