First Loves (Random Updates)

Chapter 23

"No, I'm not," she closed her eyes. "I'm bad."

"No, you aren't," Kota repeated. "It's okay that you aren't devastated over losing the baby. I know and we know that a part of you does mourn the loss but you also haven't had a chance to bond with it yet and that's okay, Ten. You weren't bonded to the sperm donor so it makes sense. It really does. Many surrogates feel the same way when they miscarry the babies they are carrying for other families. You are sad but you don't have to be devastated, Ten, it's okay, I promise. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling the way you do. Are you hearing me, Ten?"

"Yes," she mumbled while still refusing to open her eyes.

"Are you really?" He pressed.

"Yes, Sir," she mumbled as the tears started to form in her eyes. "I...I...still feel so bad, the thoughts...make them go away...please Kota...please."

"What are the thoughts saying?" he asked as he pulled her closer to him.

She wrapped her arms around his back and gripped his shirt into her fists. "I should just let it all out, it'd be easier for everyone. I'm horrible for not mourning the loss of the baby, for being happy I'm not tied to him, I'm a failure of a wife and mom, Fae and you deserve better," she sniffled, "I should just leave and go someplace no one knows me and go to sleep and never wake up, it'll be better for everyone."

"That's enough Ten," Kota said sternly as he tightened his grip on her. "I want you to hear me clearly, Celeste Blackbourne," he pulled her back until she was facing him, "open your eyes right now." Her breath hitched as she slowly opened them. "Repeat after me. I am loved."

"I am..." she trailed off.

"Repeat it," he demanded a little louder.

"But...I can't," she shook her head.

He sighed softly as he pulled her back into his chest. "Okay, then you are going to have a conversation with Doc and you will be honest with him. You will also start talking to Aunt Lily. You are under supervision until we can get rid of these bad thoughts. Understood?"

"Yes," she mumbled.

"Excuse me?" He asked, gripping her chin so she couldn't look away from him.

"Yes Sir."

"Celeste," she slowly lifted her eyes until they locked with his green ones, "they aren't real."

"But you won't touch me," she whispered sadly.

"Only because you aren't in the right state of mind, Ten," he explained. "If we loved you the way we crave it will mess with you mentally. When we love you the way we want, we want you to know deep in your soul that it's because we want to and we have always and still love you. If we did it right now, your mind will make you think the wrong reasons and we won't do that to you. We love you too much, Ten. Please try and trust me that we want to, we really, really want to, but we love you way too much to let it confuse you or make you question our love for you. When it happens and I swear to you that it will, it will be when we know that you believe in our love and you trust and know that you are our girl, our wife, our love. Only then will we mark you as our wife again. You are still our wife though, Ten, I promise."

She stared into his eyes then threw her arms around his neck and whispered, "It still hurts so much in me but I can't get it all out."

"It's okay, Ten," he murmured, "Well help you get it all out. Do you want to continue what Owen and Doc started?" She nodded and he kissed her hair. "Okay, Ten, but if it gets to be too much you need to safe word or we will stop if we think you can't or won't stop." She nodded and he pulled her hair back with the hair tie on his wrist. "Go lay on the edge of the bed, Celeste," he said sternly.

She crawled off his lap and laid back on the end of the bed. "Hold my hand," Silas said as he knelt beside the bed. She looked at him and he interlaced their fingers. "It's okay, Angelos Mou."

"Repeat after me," Owen said sternly. "These are the hands of your best friends."

"No," she whimpered.

"Say it, Celeste," Owen commanded.

"I can't," she shook her head. "Not true."

"Yes it is, Angelos Mou," Silas murmured as he rubbed his thumb back and forth on the top of her hand.

"No," she shook her head, "Just saying it."

"Nyet lie to you," Raven growled as he spanked her. "Never lie to wife. Now say it."

"Nyet," she gasped.

"You will say it, Celeste Blackbourne," Owen demanded as he cupped her chin. He stared into her tear filled eyes and held her gaze. Her breath caught while he continued to stare at her. After a few moments he nodded, "Fine then you will listen."

He tightened his hold on her chin, "These–"

"These are the hands of your best friends. Full of love for one another today, tomorrow, and forever," the group said in unison. "These hands will work together alongside one another as you build your future together. These hands will wipe the tears of both happiness and sorrow from one another's eyes. These hands will give support, encouragement, strength, and discipline when you need it. They will always give you unconditional love, even when you feel like you don't deserve it. We love you, Celeste Blackbourne, honor you, and keep you as ours in sickness and in health for all eternity."

Feeling something cool touch her skin as Owen adjusted his hold on her, she looked down and saw his wedding band on his left finger. She raised up slightly and saw that every single one of them were wearing their rings. She looked back at Owen and the dam finally broke.