Dear Carlisle

Diary - 14th September, 1985

14th September, 1975

Dear Carlisle,

I apologise for such a large gap in my entries, the last one was in 1971, but for a long time, my request for another journal was denied. Apparently, I misbehaved one too many times to deserve one. Aro leaves those decisions to Caius because I am "his newborn" and so he is in charge of me. I fully believe that he said no just to spite me. They know I rely on these journals to keep my mind stable while remaining here. 

It was only after drawing out more people for them to punish that Caius caved and gave me this journal to write in. I expressed my gratitude, though he seemed to think I was ungrateful for it for my reaction was minimal. But I still managed to keep it. I do wonder if this will be something they hold over me to get more out of me. But I no longer care for any manipulations they want to try. I feel as if I've become numb to their words. 

I do think of you a lot still. I wonder where you are, what company you keep, or if you wonder where I am. Someday I hope to see you again, no matter what the circumstances will be. So long as I know you're alive and safe, I will be satisfied. Maybe I won't be able to speak with you, or maybe you won't see me. But I would be able to manage one would hope. 

What is the modern age like? The outside world seems as if it isn't even real nowadays, I've not seen an ounce of sunlight or breathed a single bit of fresh air. I may not need to, but it was something of pure delight when I could. I still ask when I will be able to leave and why they want me with them, and I get no answer of value. 

Caius still treats me like dirt. He's currently going through a phase of calling me his doll, nicknaming me Dolly. I despise it. I haven't felt this much disgust since the 1940s about Hitler and his Nazi Party. He knows it vexes me and that is precisely why he does it. I know to stop it I must stop giving any kind of reaction, but I cannot seem to. The others find delight in my discomfort. I would prefer to be tricked into loyalty like the others, but I feel it is part of their torture for me to want to leave. I worry about the plan they have for me, but there is little I can do about it. 

Until fate decides,

Edith