𝚂𝚎𝚎 𝚃𝚑𝚛𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑 𝚂𝚎𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚜 #1: 𝐒𝐞𝐞 𝐓𝐡𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡

°46°

I told her everything, including the razors and pictures I took with me everywhere.

For the first time in years, I felt free, absolutely free, like the weight on my shoulders had suddenly been lifted.

She was the first person I had ever spoken to about it – and I don't talk to a lot of people about it – who didn't look me down with pity or sympathy like Aunt Fatima use to, I didn't like it because all they'd do is look at you that way, tell you 'sorry' and walk away, or blame me for the incidents like my dad once did.

She listened to me, she actually listened, and she looked like she understood my words, my emotions, every bit of it, and afterwards, she would end the session either listening to or playing music.

Towards the end of the session, she had me take out the photo I had of my mum and my sister, as well as the razor blade I had in my trouser pocket.

She placed them before me on the table, she didn't try taking them away from me, instead, she placed them closer.

"What do you think about when you see this picture?" She asked me.

I gulped, staring down at the picture.

"I remember everything." I said. "The entire incident comes rushing back to me. They're death, how I had fled, everything... and I tell myself..."

I shut my eyes and clenched my fists. I opened my eyes again. "I tell myself that I'm responsible, because I am. I killed them, no matter how you rephrase it."

"What comes to your mind next?" Came her calm, softer voice.

My hard gaze fell on the razor. "I decide that I have to punish myself." I said. "Because, I don't deserve to be happy, as long as I took away life. I decide that I have to feel pain, to punish myself for my stupid mistake."

And I reached for the razor. Her finger came over it immediately and she slid it away from me, her hands never leaving it.

My hands clenched even tighter and when I shut my eyes...

I opened it immediately and took deep breaths. My gaze darted to the razor again, and I tried taking it. She slid it farther away from me.

"What did I tell you last time?" She asked.

I looked up at her, staring back at her in confusion, but she wasn't taking my silence for an answer. So, I tried remembering whatever she'd said to me in our fourth session.

She sighed. "You're not responsible, Aidan. Last time, you told me you reported to your dad as quickly as you could and he handled the situation from there. You were just a kid and you definitely would've gotten yourself wounded or worse, trying to free your mum and sister from two bigger men."

I shook my head at her words, my gaze falling down to the razor again. No amount of talking would make me believe I wasn't at fault.

She paused and said, lowly, "It's not your fault." Then, she smiled. "Say it Aidan, and resist that urge to cut yourself."

My gaze fell on the razor again, I clenched and unclenched my fists, and I shut my eyes.

"Say it, Aidan." She urged.

"It's not my fault." I told myself, chanting it.

"It's not my fault." I chanted again.

"It's not my fault." And I chanted, yet again.

But the voices in my head decided they'd have their say.

'Stop deceiving yourself, you know you are the cause.'

'You were such a coward. I laugh.'

'You have your hands tainted in their blood, even though you didn't touch them.'

'Aren't you ashamed? If it isn't yours, who's fault is it?'

I tightened my eyes and clasped my hands over my ears.

"Shut up!" I exclaimed. "It's not my fault! It's not my fault!! It's not my fault!!!"

"Aidan." Dr. Adaeze's voice pierced through my hand closed ears and I opened my eyes.

She slowly took a hand, moved it away from my ear and said, quietly, "It's not your fault, Aidan. No one's fighting you."

I shook my head, taking in deep breaths. "The voices..."

"They're all in your head." She said. "Take your other hand off, do you hear them now?"

Slowly, I moved my hand away from my ear and listened to my environment. All I could hear were my own breathing and the sounds of the electrical equipments in the room.

"Now." She said, calling back my attention. "Say it again, calm down."

I shut my eyes and took in a breath. "It's not my fault."

"Keep saying this whenever those compulsions come up, notice you didn't cut yourself this time."

I opened my eyes gradually and saw her beaming at me. "But next time, when you tell yourself those words, I don't just want you to say it, I want you to feel it and believe in it."

And I went home with those words of hers to accompany me.

I smiled to myself, remembering all that, and I made my way to the  hospital for my next session.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~
🥺🥺Aidan would finally be set free from this burden that's been eating him up.

And I really like Dr. Adaeze. She's welcoming, easy going and knows how to do her job.

And as for Tammy, *Shakes head* Aidan doesn't deserve the treatment he's getting from her 🥺

PS: This book is nearing its end🥺

I have to go now, see you when I see you,
Benzita13 ❤️