love and haikus // grayson hawthorne

Chapter 9

"we might still be in love if you were a better man."

-Taylor Swift, Better man

'Della.' grayson said, taking a step forward, "what are you doing here?" he furrowed his eyebrows, confused as to why she was up so late, "you should be asleep." 

"well I'm not obviously, and to answer your question, i'm here for the same reason as you" she nodded her head towards his coffee cup, "for a source of caffeine." She walked towards the counter to the coffee machine, "hey does this thing make tea?" In silence Grayson bent over her to set the machine to make tea, Cordelia could feel his hot breath on her neck, lips so close. She swallowed and took a deep breath.

"Grayson?" 

"What?" he grumbled, moving away from her neck to reclaim his spot on the counter, " I want to talk," she touched his hand, "about earlier." 

"What happened earlier was a mistake, I don't want to talk about it, and if your looking for apology, you won't find it here." He moved his hand away from hers coldly and slid off the counter, and worked his way towards the door, as he approached the doorway, Cordelia gasped, she had a sudden realisation "Grayson!" He spun on his heel, and raised an eyebrow, "that letter you gave me, what's in it and why can't you just tell me no-" Grayson cut her off " Ms Ambrose, you are going to go back to your room, and you will burn that letter."

"Wha- why?" Cordelia was baffled, she had only heard Grayson speak like that once before. "IT DOESN'T MATTER." Grayson suddenly shouted, "and I swear to god if I find out you've read it, I will destroy you, understand?" Tears pricked Cordelia's eyes, "Grayson" she whispered, she had ment for it to sound aggressive, but it came out broken and quiet, as if she were begging for him. "Grayson." She tried again and it certainly came out more assertive this time as Grayson took two steps toward her. "Why? Why are you doing this? Do you not care anymore, after everything we've been through together? Is it because of Emily? Are you still in love with her I understand if yo-" 

"Stop it" he took a deep breath "just stop, I'm over her"

"Then Grayson, why do you keep pushing me away, we could really be something you know, me and you, we could do all the the things we talked about." Tears were rolling down her cheeks now, "why did you stop caring?"

"I stopped caring because every time I cared I lost, I can never win Cordelia, I cared about Emily, she died, I cared about Avery, I failed to protect her and she chose Jameson over me, I cared about Eve, she used and betrayed me." Grayson was crying now "I can never win, I couldn't even protect these people and that's the one thing I'm actually ment to be good at, and I can't even do that. The old man hated me, even if he didn't show it, Xander  and Jameson were his favourites." Grayson walked towards her "he loved Jameson because he was so good at his fucking games, he loved Xander because he was a genius. I tried so so hard for his attention, but no it was never good enough, I wasn't as good at problem solving as Jamie, I wasn't smart like Xander, hell I wasn't even as kind as Nash, do you know what I was, a disappointment, I was a disappointment Cordelia, that's all the old man ever saw in me, sometimes it seems like the only things ever said about me were "it could be better." And "your letting your emotions get in the way again Grayson" it hurt." He took a deep breath "but you know what? It wasn't allowed to, so I pushed it down, and did better, and better, and better, but it was NEVER enough Cordelia, never." Grayson swallowed, "you don't want me Cordelia, go find yourself a better man."

He turned on his heel and left, Cordelia stood in the kitchen, still reeling from the conversation she had just had. Grayson had poured  his heart out, and she had just stood there, oh how desperately she wanted to comfort him, she could've chased after him, but she didn't. She just whispered,

"I wish you were a better man."

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Anywaysssss, Happy Sunday! 😁