Yudhishthira's Burden

Fear of fire?

Kunti's POV

Around an hour has passed since Yudhishthira had fallen asleep. The forest, this hut, yudhisthira sleeping on my lap, it reminded me of the times when Aarya and Madri were with us. When my sons were tiny and small cute boys running around, playing, laughing and carefree. I didn't realise when I got so lost in my thoughts that my hand subconsciously withdrew itself from Yudhisthira's forehead. He groaned in pain and held my hand placing it back on his forehead in sleep. "Maa aap bhi mat jao na chodke..." 

I drew my eyebrows in confusion and sadly sighed. 'Aap bhi...' 
I quickly put my hand back on his forehead, stroking his hair to soothe his headache.
I knew that Aarya's loss had effected the youngest and the eldest son of mine the most. In my paranoia of making Madri's sons feel equally comfortable and happy I feel I neglected this sensitive son who kept his pain and fear hidden behind a comforting and calm smile. There were times I broke down in front of him but never had he ever complained once to me. This realisation makes me feel scared and guilty at the same time. 

Yudhisthira's POV

As soon as I drifted to sleep I felt myself relive my time in Hastinapur. I was hopeful at that time. I still am, but then I felt that I had many people who would support me and my family. They will make us feel happy, safe, content and a part of them. Today I am hopeful that they would feel guilty for trying to kill us-

(Dream in italics)

"Sab so gaye bhabhi shree?", I heard kakashri Vidur talking to Mata Kunti. "Hmm, thodi mushkil se soye hai, aadat nahi hai inko mahal main sone ki but ab so gaye hai. Kuch dinon main aadat padh jayegi.", Maa replied. 

"Padh jaani chahiye, aakhir yeh inhi ka toh ghar hai, ab yahi rehna hai inhein.", Kakashri Vidur replied and left after wishing maa goodnight. My eyes were closed but sleep hadn't greeted me yet. The behaviour and bullying comments of Duryodhana for my brothers and I wasn't letting me be at peace. The mahal environment, the constant reminders that we belonged to the forest, the unfamiliarity, the loss of the calming touch of Mata Madri, the loss of my biggest support system Pitashri and the uncomfortable, sympathising and hesitant gazes of people around me made me feel suffocated. 

I wanted to escape, I wanted to get up and run from here. I couldn't breathe. 

I carefully opened my eyes to find everyone asleep. Even Mata Kunti now. I tip-toed out of the room and requested the guards to remain quiet. They looked alarmed but could do nothing but to accept my orders. I ran towards the ground, anywhere away from people, anywhere closest to the nature. Nature accepts everyone, luxury gives comfort to only a few. 

While running towards the farthest garden, which was near Kakashri Vidur's room, my elbow hit a fire log that was hanging for light, it fell on the ground and it's flames rose due to the impact. Before I could pick it up and step back a vision clouded my mind. I felt the flames rise higher, and higher and higher. 'Pita, Mata...' I muttered. 

A guard pulled me back but I had stopped registering anything. I could only see the flames rise higher, the guard had extinguished the fire log but I saw the flames rise higher, become vigorous. I ran. 

I ran towards the garden, I ran away from the flames, I felt like I was running away from my responsibilities. That thought made me trip while running, I fell. I fell and leaned against the fountain's rim at the corner of the garden. I couldn't see water in the fountain, I could only the flames rising from the water. I felt my breathing become laboured. 

Taking a deep breath I closed my eyes. It's all fake. It's all my mind is conjuring. No flames. The fire is burnt. The ashes are in the river. No flames. No pita. No mata. No ashes. Calm down, Calm down. 

Once I felt myself being able to breathe better, I turned back and I could finally see water running in the fountain. I smiled weakly, at least I am able to stay true to my name. The one who is calm even in unstable situations. 

I felt someone's hand on my shoulder, I craned my neck upwards- Kakashri Vidur. With a mashal. 

NO. NO. NO. OH- NO. 

My mind spiraled back. Back to the forest, in front of the pyre. He was handing me a mashal. I was refusing, I tried resisting, I stopped them, Mata was alive! I can't burn my father! No- NO. 

'No, Mata is alive, I am not going to burn my father. No, please no. I don't want to burn the pyre. Please don't burn them. No, no. Please...', I begged him not to make me burn the pyre. I was no longer in the garden of the Hastinapur palace, I was back in the forest. 

'Putra, I am not asking you to burn the pyre. Calm down. Look at me.' I tried but I all I could see were the flamed rising. I felt myself take every breath as though I was breathing fire. It burnt my airway. I needed to calm down, but the flames were rising. Higher. And Higher. And Higher. 

Kakashri Vidur threw the mashal in the fountain and cupped my face, forcing it towards himself. I never realised I was sobbing until I felt myself shaking against his steady hold. 

'Putra I am sorry, please calm down. I won't ask you to burn any pyre. I promise. See, there is no fire now. Please get back, calm down shh.', I finally drifted back to the garden to see Kakashri Vidur kneeling beside me as I leaned on his shoulder and Pitamah Bhishm standing worried. 

'Are you okay?' he asked in a gruff voice. I nodded my head and muttered an apology, 'I am sorry I woke both of you up. I didn't realise I wasn't being silent enough.' 

I felt my head grow heavy, the words began slurring, the world began spinning. My forehead turned cold, I felt a headache drilling in and my hand reached out for someone's hand. "Maa aap bhi mat jao na chodke...", I heard myself uttering, before a warm and soft hand starting stroking my hair, making the pain dull and I felt myself drift away again...

POV ends. 

The brothers had come back from collecting wood, fruits and grains. They were chattering, fighting, giggling and talking as they stepped in. The moment they went inside the hut they were greeted my their mother's glare and a sign to make them shut up. But it might have been too late since Yudhisthira became alert of the sound and woke up almost immediately. Rubbing his eyes he still felt his head throbbing but at least he wasn't dizzy anymore. 

"Le aye sab?", he asked in raspy voice. The four nodded, "Sorry, humein pata nahi tha aap so rahe the warna awaaz karke andar nahi aatey." Yudhisthira smiled at them indicating that it was all okay while Kunti just sighed helplessly. 

Soon the five of them got to work while Kunti instructed them how to cook since the twins were cooking and not Bheem because the woodwork required more strength thus it made more sense for Bheem to do the work along with Arjun and Yudhisthira. 

The work was done, and the meal was served. The fact that they were all together is what mattered the most. Eventually they found contentment even in this simple life. 

~~~