Her paradise [ON- GOING]

Chapter Ten

I had a hard time sleeping last night because of a sudden thought. Kung kailan kailangan ko ng tulog ay tsaka naman nakakapag isip ang utak ko sa maling paraan.

I thought of ending everything right at that moment.

I didn't, although I really wanted to. Until there is hope for humans and as long it is there, who am I to lose hope, how dare I.

I was in the middle of break down when I suddenly thought what if 'crying' isn't actually called 'crying' and what if my life's in a movie. What if I participated on an experiment and this is all an act, a dream, maybe a program? I am in a facility that still on progress? Maybe working on improvements? That what if this is all not just this.

However, all those what if crushed when I decided to open my eyes and see for myself that there's not even a one percent possibility that I am really in a facility, programmed, nor a project, let alone an experiment. There's no sign of loops, no sign of malfunction, just natural disasters and accidents. It is not planned, well, some can be but not all of what's happening.

This one is called fate, so I started to gather my solidity, accumulate whatever reason I can fathom, blocking and building and guarding everything. I need to fight this, I say, and no one should break me.

That morning came, hours passed, until noon arrived and a cycle that never ended had once again flown and proceeded. I, again, realized that no matter how stuck I am, their life will go on and on, plus, they will not stop for me because they have their own life. At ang tanging alam ko lang sa mga oras na 'to, maiiwan ako rito mag isa at patuloy silang lalayo sa akin. Patuloy na lalayo para marating ang para sakanila.

And I will be left here still wondering if I am doing my best, wondering if I can still appreciate things I used to love? Will I still have the chance to course my mission without worrying if I disappoint my family?

Another day quickly rolled through my palms still wondering if I deserve to have this chance. What am I doing wrong? Why does it feel so empty, shallow, heartbreaking, and draining? Nawawalan nanaman ako ng gana sa lahat. I plan cancelling everything I planned. Actually everything that has been planned. By whom? By everyone.

I just want to be alone here and reflect. I want to be swallowed by darkness and never to be returned again. My soul is hungry and been craving of my aid, His aid, my eyes can add no more baggage, my heart feel endlessly empty, my mind can no longer hold on.

I feel like I needed to end something.

I need to free something.

I need to free me.

Why can't I?

I always ask my self why can't I be free? Maybe because I failed to forgive? But they said forgiving takes time, so as healing and forgetting. Sometimes my heart feel enraged. Most of the time it feels empty, like there's something missing, and there is too much void in it.

My life's always on it's lowest or... Am I making me feel that it's been on it's lowest?
Mind's too powerful to take action and lead ways, you'll not know how, when and where, magising ka nalang at malalaman mong mali na pala ang nilalakaran mo kapag masyado nang malayo para lumakad pabalik at maitama ang daan mo.

And it will be all too late. And what else can you do? Of course, regret. Regret is the only thing a person can afford once we're aware that we took too much time to follow something that isn't supposed to be ours, owning a thing that is not in the first place should be in our possession.

Together with my dying soul, a day ended with the process of my own life's cycle. My mind couldn't bear to hold it's focus for three minutes straight, is that even possible?