From the Other Side of My Bed

17. Kelly Dies

I didn't think I would be spending my day at the cemetery.

Kelly has died.
She was my first therapist.
I remember I felt upset that she did not replied back to my emails and I even called her a bitch for it, but in reality, she was struggling with covid-19. Eventually getting admitted to the hospital and later dying because of it after one month long battle against it. That's according to what her representatives told me one late afternoon and ever since I felt the world turned darker.
Prior to getting the apartment, I had reached out to her through an online service that finds you a therapist and soon I became her client.
Over time, Kelly became a mother figure to me, always listening and never afraid to call me out on my bullshit. She was there after every downfall and now what do I do?
I felt lost, like when mom died.
Her death left something frozen in me that I couldn't warm up to any other therapist, so I just gave up overall saving myself thing.

The cemetery where she's located is very beautiful, like any other cemetery.
Its full of large trees, and its well kept and the graves are always visited often because there's always small memorabilia around them. She's buried next to her grandparents, so every time I had gone, I always introduce myself to them as if they were alive. I don't why I do it, I just do.
I used to bring her sunflowers, but lately I haven't because I just automatically come over to see her when the world is falling apart and I'm dying inside. And I smoke endlessly, without stop as I talk for hours and hours, laughing, crying, screaming even or just being in silence.
The dead can't judge you, they are dead so they can't say shit to you anyways.
After a while of talking and smoking, I just started getting quiet because that's when Kelly would butt in and tell me something constructive, but since she's... dead, I just listen to the trees dance in the wind. I like cemeteries, you never hear anyone cry, well, with the exception of me in a few cases but ultimately, I just stay silent.
"You just had to die too, huh?" I blew out the smoke, and look around, anxious.
"Of all days and years, you had to die in the middle of my storm." I start laughing, and it's a good laugh for once. "Did I kill you too?" I keep laughing. "Did my sadness made you go?"
Everything feels like a joke.
"How many people in my life will died, Kelly? Please do tell me because I can't, I can't keep up, I feels like I kill them with my existence..." I take a long drag and it feels like I'll finish the cigarette in one, so I stop and blow it all out, feeling relief and sick all at once. "You know, it's crazy when people die and you love them. Because where goes all the love and memories? They stay still forever in the heart of the one alive, and they die out throughout the years when your mind becomes foggy, and I promise you, mine is already starting to get foggy, so how long will I last with you in my mind?"
This is bullshit.
"This is bullshit." I say out loud. "Because you know, you didn't have to come into my life and help me. I was going to help myself but you sort of happened and you became so major, and now its like the room is missing warmth and I'm cold again."
I throw the cigarette away once done.
Because I feel like I'm going to throw up, I lay in the grass, and stare at the trees above and how they are dancing in the wind, while some sun rays penetrate through them, kissing my toes and my belly. The trees are dancing for me, and I find no joy. How did I become so cold?
"I wish you never happened. Because I was fine before and now, I changed in vain." I turn to look at her grave. "I guess there's no turning back now, huh?" I turn to look around and sit up and feel glad to be alone with her.
"Come on, Kelly. Can you please come back? I promise I'll get better and I will start eating again and I will stop smoking- matter of fact," I grab the cigarette box and throw it away as far as I can. "There, it's gone. Fuck smoking and shit."
But then the more I wait for a sign of her, or something, anything, I become sadder and more disappointed. I want to cry, but I'm not a crier.
I want to scream, but who is there to hear me?
My face falls into my hands and I rub it so hard, trying to make myself wake up from my stupidity.
Kelly is gone.
I need to accept it.
Damn it, Madeline, you need to accept it.
...
But accepting it means that she is gone in fact and that hurts more...
...
Well, she's gone. Just like mom. So we have to move on.
I must move on.