Hidden under nightmares

Chapter six

Dean takes a long drink and Cas steadies his breathing.

1. 2. 3. 4. Hold. 1. 2. 3. 4.

Cas looks at Dean. He looks at the human who taught him how to be good and strong and loving, the human who taught him to use his whole heart. The human that is the brightest, most beautiful soul Castiel has ever known. He smiles realising that he can't live a life with Dean and never know if it could ever be more. He realises that he will never stop longing for more. Cas once again attempts to steady his breathing.

"The night at the bunker, those first few weeks, months ago now, when I - when I said I had lost everything. When you walked out. I couldn't sleep after that. I didn't fully understand. I didn't realise the impact of my words, what that would mean to you - to you and Sam. After you left, Sam reminded me that I had not lost anything of any importance. And he was right, his words were a reminder that I shouldn't have needed. Because it's true, I haven't lost anything that I couldn't live without."

Dean looks at him, "Buddy I know, you don't hav-"

"Yes I do, Dean."

Dean's looking at his best friend in the entire world as if he is seeing him for the first time. Cas looks uncertain and brave. He looks as if what he is saying is the most important thing in the world. But it isn't anything Dean doesn't already know. Dean knew Cas was in a bad place when he said that, he knew that they were the only words Cas could find to describe an indescribable thing he was going through. He knew Cas well enough to know what he truly valued as important, and that it was the relationships he had found on earth.

He doesn't need to tell Dean any of this.

Cas is still looking at him, making sure to catch Dean's green eyes in his blue ones. Promising without a word that what he has to say needs to be said. The look Dean gives back promises he's listening.

"I went to go back to my room that night. I intended to make sure we were okay over breakfast but I walked straight past it. And I stood outside of yours. I didn't know if to knock or call out or walk away. I wanted to apologise and tell you I was wrong. To tell you that I knew I had so much left. But i couldnt. I was stuck and when I got unstuck I went to turn away and then I heard - "

Cas looks down, feeling shy, faltering before looking straight back up to Dean, who's eyes were filled with emotions Cas can't quite fathom, "I heard you yell, it was more like a pleading and, when I listened closer, I could hear how restless you were. And suddenly I couldn't leave. I know nightmares come with the job and that you are always fine when you wake up but Dean, I just couldn't walk away."

Cas pauses to take a drink of his coffee, his mouth feeling beyond dry. Castiel is exceptionally old and in his time he has ripped apart worlds, he has faced unspeakable evils and stood toe to toe with death and yet none of those has ever made Cas feel as anxious, as nervous as this. He realises it is not lack of courage making him feel so anxious it is the extent of importance. This conversation with Dean has more importance than anything Castiel has ever done.

Even though Cas remains silent after his drink, Dean doesn't interrupt. There is so much running through his head right now but he senses Castiel has more to say. So Dean patiently waits for Castiel to rebuild his confidence and continue.

"Before, when I, when you were having a nightmare and I was on the hunt with you or at the bunker with you - I would stop them. I would feel the pain radiating off of you and I would be able to soothe it. It was as easy as breathing. It was a reaction that came so naturally to me Dean. And right in that moment, for the first time I really felt as though I couldn't help you. I felt so useless, so angry at myself. But then I remembered something Sam had said to me. That I uh, I hadn't lost what makes me, me. I wanted to help you and even though I couldn't do what I once had, it didn't mean I couldn't help you at all, or at least try."