I felt he liked me when whenever I look at him or his area, I know he's looking at me too, or at my direction. I am certain our eyes collided so many times and I would look away not to be seen too much. It's a habit of not looking at guys because they'd assume I like them and it'll just make things complicated but this one I would sometimes feel his eyes at me and often times I reciprocated it then shy away. But it started with that major eye contact thing. Then him suddenly getting closer to my area. Then our batchmate suddenly initiating a fight with him, me also getting in between to help them both ease not to get in a fight. I, observing him, also get angry, putting his things aside then coming back getting ready for a fight but then I, noticing it, comes in between to explain, try to soothe him. After that, idk we just partyin inside. Drinking...idk what happened but it lead to him getting his money out to buy for another drink, his buddy adding to it and I also helped adding to the contribution by soliciting to jonelson. Eventually he bought 2 4x4 gin. I urged them to be outside where most of our batchmates are drinking. Maybe i noticed how he likes me and gives attention to me so i also reciprocated it. But often times i didnt care and I wasnt sure , maybe i was just tipsy that's why i did things even just talking to him asking for something. I remember when someone poured me a drink, it was half the cup and it was like, too much of what we drink like that guy fucking wanna make us drunk huh? And he is urging me to drink that. I was staring at him thinking what the fuck? But then someone, i think nerchon, wanted to dance with me so i drank the half of it because my other friends saw how that guy is making us drink over what we can. Then i went. And idk what else happened, batch dance batch sponsors and everything we enjoyed it. And i feel like i always want tp sit on his side, close to him... And i just remember that when someone wants to dance with me, i answered no because i still wanna stay on his side. Lean closer to his side like im his and he's mine. It works most of the time but most of the time too, someone fucking grabbed the hell out of me and i cant fucking fight because theyre still fucking men.
And there's this one time, we were firstly dancing rock, someone wanted to dance with me but during the rock music and i saw him sitting alone, i grabbed his arm and urged him to also dance with us and he went with me but then suddenly, like a fucking cliche scripted movie, the music suddenly stopped then turned into sweet one, I immediately thought of grabbing him before some fucking drunk man grabbed me again so I danced with him. I danced with him, intentionally. Out of the spur of the moment. He's so fucking tall god. (My cousin said Rust smiled at him or like smirked or like raised his brow in bragging that he was dancing with me and i think that's a cute thing haha)
I didnt actually feel anything dancing with him just normal thing but i shouldved enjoyed it, i could think of many things i couldved done after reminisicng that moment, if i only knew that would be our first and last then i wouldved dared hug him. Or let his hands on my waist so we could be closer to each other. Nobody talked during our dance, maybe were both too shy to. But after that, i just remember sitting on his side, or near him, and looking always at his direction, or his face and smiling. I also just noticed or maybe just assumed it but when some drunk man wanted to dance with me again, I answered no and I really didnt wanna go and suddenly he just went to that guy and just crazily danced with him just to like save me. Idk if im assuming but i just feel like he did that for me. There were times he'd hand me my shot and I'd drink but most of the time i ditch it when i feel like i dont wanna taste that shit again or remember my vomitting days with it. There were times we arent sitting in each other's side and he still looks at me and hands my shot and I know that look he gives off. Seen it already when someone likes you .
But I dont wanna be drunk that night because i dont wanna be wasted again and regret it so i controlled my shit together and avoided my shot everytime he handed me, like i could really just conclude he wants me drunk because he kept offering a shot to me. But then I'd look at him and i turn my head sideways gesturing a no or enough sign or i would let my cousin, to drink it for me. He respects it naman and doesnt make me.
But then the music stop and our drinks went also away with it then we decided to go home, but others are planning where they'd drink next and idk but my head hurt so much and i just wanna sleep so I went to sleep. Then i suddenly heard my cousin on our door and i opened it for him not expecting rust to be there and i was like, wait what is this? But i took it cool. I saw him sitting in our front yard and not looking at me. And my cousin saying theyd want to drink more so theyre here down, looking for a place to go to to drink. I was ready to offer the place but i know we'll be too loud and jero is there and our house is a mess and im ashamed so i decided we go outside to the terrace of the house which no one stays because we suddenly met nerchon finding his motor and end up us waiting on him so we could continue drinking. But then he came and Rust went with him but they came back with nothing so we decided to sleep. I tapped him on his shoulders because i felt like an ate comforting my younger brother hahaha. We said our goodbyes and parted like that.
I remember the mornign, our neighbor, a kid, was saying, why didnt i dance with kurt and i was like who's kurt, is he part of your batch..he said theyre older. I know already because he said it that night that he's first year college.
The kid continued saying, kurt even went to our house to like dance with me daw(and i remember that i did dance with him thou, what he saying?), and my face was a confusion, how'd he know about that and like, the kid even asking me, handsome, right? And i just felt nothing to say and then eventually said, unga, meaning someone younger than us. Or a child still.
Then I also remember that night when jonelson and kurt went to buy gin, my cousin said that kurt guy is asking about me so i already confirmed he's into me. Otherwise they wouldnt come here in our house.
Then maybe a day after that, my cousin said he likes me. I just replied, unga and laughed but i liked the attention, the affection. Idk what day is it then but when we went to lyre's house for carbonara, that afternoon, he chatted me asking for sorry for disturbing me that night. And I said its fine then we continued chatting for just a while then it ended with me just reacting to his message.
Then days after that, I also learned from Jas that Shoraya told him, that guy had a crush on me. And I was flattered. I just went silent. My cousin said, it's probably a cousin and I know there's a possibility but i also did like him and just laughed off saying, there's no cousin, cousin here hahaha. Idk but I dont wanna chat him, it feels like he'd know I like him too. And idk its just complicated, i like him but i dont want him to know. It would be okay if in personal like just subtle touch, subtle glance, actions just actionss shwoing that i like him but i could never start a convo with him. I feel like it'll be too boring just chatting. So if its just how that thing ended, its fine even though there are things i couldve did when we were still in each other's side. Lesson learned, give it always your all. Haha
Ps. During the first night, I remember after we danced, i still dont know him, and we were forced to sit there to be danced like abays but then someone came to me, and im like wtf his face, i could never danced with him. It was my first time and i was fucking hysteric and panicky and i held to him, i moved closer to him, i touched his hands ,grabbed his hand to hold on just not to dance with the guy in front of me. I was fucking being a judgerist and i keep blurting out omygod and my heart is racing and i didnt care the people around us and the poor messy guy in front of me. I just felt like i dont wanna dance with him because of my pride. I noticed the sudden silence and how people looked at me disappointingly but then i didnt care, i am saving my fucking pride and ass. I have the right to, i wasnt one of the abay, i shouldnt even be sitting in that but yes its a help to the married couple, our batchmate, but like i could never. And im so thankful karen went to dance with him. She's so mature for that time i wasnt even in my right fucking mind. And then Rust left. And i went to the side near the crowd and i didnt look around much because i know the guilt i felt after rejecting the guy and i also felt shit for that.
After some time, fukan came to dance with me and talked some sense out of me about the help thingy and yes i wanna help too, i am just not used to this, its my first time and i dont wanna dance to a guy who's looking like a wreck in front of me like i feel grossed out because in other places, men dressed neat to be able to dance in front of the crowd.
Dec, 22, 2022
Read this again, about the ugly guy wanthng to dance with me. I just didnt wanna admit i didnt want others to think of me as lowly. I was thinking of what other people will think if i did dance with him. At that time i am so shitty i know. I didnt want my first dance to be wij someone like him. I prioritize my pride, what other people would think, and my ego. But i know its m right to say no when i dont want to. Its just that in place like that, saying no when u seated as an abay is disrespectful. So Im sorry about that, universe. I'll try to be a better human next time and try to be sensitive.
