heart and mind | s.b / r.a.b

vi - chapter six

      ❝ i wonder if this is the way all crushes die. with a whimper, slowly, and then, just like that, gone. ❞

it's been a few weeks since sirius and i kissed, but it still haunts me. the memories of the kiss and dance are sweet, tarnished by flashes of the rejection after, like a stab in the heart. it's taunting.

no one else has found out about our kiss, not even my friends, and i don't think the marauders know either. our parents certainly don't. fortunately so, because i couldn't bear to face mine and regulus' parents to explain why i had ruined our image further, turning us into even more of a laughingstock in the pureblood world.

that's one of the reasons regulus forgave me after only a week. that week was terrible. regulus had been so distant.

now speaking of distant, sirius and i haven't spoken since. he has tried to get my attention a few times, but i don't get involved.

at the annual halloween party, i saw him casting longing glances at me all throughout the night and i very nearly forgot to be angry with him. but then when he thought i didn't notice he shifted his gaze to look at me in the middle of a romantic song, sad puppy dog eyes looking at me, and the rage started to surface again. if he wanted this too, why did he kick me out? why wouldn't he tell me what's going on in his mind? i didn't go up to him, instead simply sticking to elladora and reggie, so sirius got the hint. i don't want to see him.

simone, who i now meet with every thursday for private lessons, agrees with me. i shouldn't be so quick to forgive him and should rather get some distance. after all, the kiss could have ruined me. i don't want to be disowned and certainly not for someone who kisses me and then refuses to give me even one reason to dump me right after. i am not like him. i cannot handle a tarnished image.

but i cannot deny how much i miss him. i think i'm going to go up to him after the match and tell him to forget about the kiss, so we can at least be friends.

it's the first quidditch game of the season. i wouldn't watch it if it wasn't slytherin versus gryffindor, but since it is, i am quite excited.

i'm sitting in the stands with my friends. we're all gathered around elladora on this icy day, and even my slytherin scarf, my favourite piece of clothing, isn't keeping me warm enough. the cold feeds into my bones and if that isn't enough the wind is picking up as well. so elladora and i each put an arm around the other.

"the tension is thick," elladora notes. "look at how flint and potter shake hands with such hostility."

it looks like they're trying to break each other's hands. the tension between gryffindor and our house is always thick, but i get why dora pointed it out. it seems even worse than usually.

"and they're off!" pettigrew announces excitedly.

it surprised me, since he's more of an inconspicuous boy destined to be in the shadow of sirius and potter, but he's a great quidditch commentator. he's funny and engaging, so it's not even boring. though he does favor the gryffindors.

"potter, the gryffindor captain, is in possession of the quaffle. he's zoning towards the slytherin goal posts and — bludger from tremblay — james dodges, but loses the quaffle in process. don't worry, james, you're just getting started. you're great!"

evan's lip curls in a sneer, "what a suck-up."

i smirk at his words, voicing my agreement.

"SCORE FOR GRYFFINDOR — WOOD SCORES. TEN POINTS!"

we groan in unison. it's kind of funny how invested i am in a silly game with no further purpose, but perhaps enjoyment is the purpose. just a break from everyday life.