matters of the heart

40

I'm shaking violently when the dream stops and I manage to open my eyes. Lorraine is staring at me worriedly, her eyes filled with fear and panic. "Are you okay?" She reaches out to touch my face. I realise that I'm sweating a lot.

I open my mouth to speak but my throat is dry as hell. She climbs out of bed and grabs me the bottle of water sitting on my study. I sit up and drink the whole thing. I rest my head against the headboard, shutting my eyes and counting to 100 as Schumacher instructed me to do. I'm only on 61 when I hear Lorraine's voice.

"Do you always have nightmares?"

When my eyes open, Lorraine is staring at me worriedly. She's standing by my study in nothing but my oversized white t-shirt. It's far away—too far away for my liking. But I let her stay there. I'm scared to let her into my head—afraid of what she'll find there.

Nevertheless, I manage a nod. "Since I was 9." Saying it out loud makes me realise just how long I've been dealing with this. "It stopped for a while and then I go through some traumatic shit and I'm right back where I started."

"Do you want to talk about it?" She whispers. I don't. I know I don't. The last thing I'd want is for anyone to feel pity for me just because they know my story. But I'm also tired. Tired of keeping everything all bottled up. I need a f*cking escape, a safe space, an outlet. I know I do.

"I can't tell you about it if you're all the way over there." I tease.

Lorraine doesn't smile, she just walks back and climbs on the bed. I'm glad for the warmth as she snuggles up next to me, her head resting on my chest. She doesn't say anything but I know she's waiting for me to talk—I almost don't.

Almost.

"I had a good early childhood. When I think about it, my childhood was awesome. My parents were almost perfect in my eyes—especially my dad. I f*cking adored him." My hands come up around her, pulling her closer as I remember moments from my past. Memories I cherish and hold so dear to my heart. "My dad got me my first basketball, took me to my first game, he was at every of my game. He was my biggest supporter. My mum wasn't always as blatantly obvious with her affection as my dad because of how she was raised but she still loved me as a mother should. To me life was perfect. Until one day, my mum came home from the hospital—she was like 6 months pregnant with my sister—crying. Then, life as I knew it was over." I pause. "Turns out my dad had another wife hidden in Beverly Hills and all the business trips he claimed to take to Boston were just a 45 minutes drive away from our Silver Lake house. My mum was devastated. Especially because my dad's other wife was also 6 months pregnant."

Lorraine raises her head to look at me. I'm afraid to look at her. Afraid of what I'll see in her eyes. She doesn't speak, she only hugs me tighter.

"It was messy. My dad tried to take me from my mum—succeeded for a couple of months because he had lawyers at his beck and call. I hated it at his BH mansion, his wife was too nice and my dad had changed. It was like he was a different person. He felt no remorse for what he did to my mum and I hated him for it. I hated him for breaking up our family. Anyways— one day, I went to go visit my mum after my 5th birthday and I found her on the floor, bleeding. She had cut her own wrist. If I had called 911 any later, she would have died and I think a huge part of her hated me for saving her life."

Lorraine drops a single kiss on my chest. And the little gesture encourages me to continue. "Later that night she went into early labour and I found out about her Schizophrenia. My dad let me stay with her because of that. I had to take care of my mum and my baby sister for months and I was just shy of 5. Eventually my mum got better but her attitude towards my sister and I didn't. I guess she saw too much of our father in us and I don't blame her. The man put her through so much shit. I found solace in my sister and basketball. She was my responsibility—especially after finding out she had the Schizophrenia gene. I did everything I could to not let her out of my sight but she was a tough one. I couldn't control Robin. She did whatever she wanted and I let her."