Colours of the Snow | Yuki Ishikawa

10

"Yuki, I'm exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally. I no longer have the words to say, but I want you to understand that while you were struggling, I, too, was fighting alone. This relationship requires effort from both of us, but you closed the door. I want to go back to what we used to be, but I also want to listen to my heart. She wants to rest for a while."

Tears welled up in my eyes once again. I'm not one to easily shed tears, but when the weight becomes unbearable, they flow relentlessly.

"No, no, Eri. Let's work this out. Please, no," he pleaded desperately. "Sorry for not appreciating all your efforts. I really want to thank you for coming all the way to Osaka when you're supposed to go home."

He continued, "I was a fool for being a coward." Then he continued, "I promise to do better."

He looked at the necklace that was dangling around my neck.

"As long as you're wearing it, Erinne. I won't let go," he said, tears started streaming down his face. 

Seeing his tears pains me, but I have to think of myself, too.

"For now, Yuki, please allow me to rest. I am drained. Return to your home and let us clear our minds first. I beg you," I pleaded.

Yuki stared at me in silence, his eyes filled with understanding. With a nod, he left my room.

Overwhelmed with emotions, I collapsed in tears, feeling weak and helpless.

All I desired was for him to comprehend the agony of waiting for someone who may never return. It is a deep and exhausting pain that cannot be resolved in a mere moment.

That night, I cried myself to sleep.

"Cuz I'm meant to be your piece until I die,
No one's wanna be alone.
You're torn apart and I pick up the pieces.
Though we fall apart between the hell's divide,
if you ask it of me, I'll stay by you forever and stay the same."

---

I woke up on my birthday feeling unhappy. It had been over a week since we last spoke; I won't complain, as it was my decision to stop communicating.

During team practices, Ishikawa performed his usual routine well. He seemed unaffected by any worries whenever he focused on playing his Mikasa. I was envious.

The truth is, I sometimes wonder if it's my own pride that exacerbates these emotions.

How many more birthdays will I spend in sorrow?

I prepared myself and embarked on a train journey to Venice. This would mark my very first visit to the city. Uncertainty weighed heavily on me, as I had no idea where to go or what to do. I felt completely lost, yearning for a temporary escape from reality.

Upon arrival, a gentle drizzle greeted me. I had come unprepared, only equipped with my jacket, phone, and wallet. As I wandered through the water-covered streets, disregarding the submerging land, I allowed myself to soak in the raindrops, allowing my emotions to pour out.
I never held any animosity towards rain; it was simply the havoc it wreaked that I disliked.

However, rain possesses its own unique beauty.

For life isn't always sunshine and brightness. Even amidst hurt and pain, there is beauty to be found, in immersing oneself in the tears and agony.

Life isn't simply about being born and then dying. Its worth lies in how you lived it—the encounters you experienced and the emotions you felt.

The intricacy of human nature never fails to fascinate me. As much as we strive to achieve greatness, there is an inherent joy in grounding ourselves in the simplicity of everyday life, simply taking a moment to breathe.


It's nice to be celebrating my 26th birthday under the gentle embrace of the rain.