Colours of the Snow | Yuki Ishikawa

10

"Because uncertain memories are piercing into the corners of my heart,
I want to know if truth is painful or not.
The questions I've postponed are so frail."

It is the 18th of September, and a sense of deja vu washes over me.

I couldn't recall booking the same connecting flight to Milan with Yuki again, yet here we are.

We sat in silence on the opposite ends of a 4-seater gang chair. I messaged Ms. Sylvana to ask for an explanation, and she revealed that Yuki requested to rebook the flight I had originally booked for him.

What the heck are you doing, Ishikawa?

I am doing my best to distance myself from you, yet you're following me, not even uttering a word. This is so uncomfortable.

I transferred to another seat, but he followed me again.

I confronted him, irritation evident in my voice. "What do you want?" I asked, my frustration building up.

"I want you. Can we talk?" he answered.

"What is there to talk about? I thought we are done." I was fuming with all the bottled feelings.

Ishikawa, it was two months, and you just want to talk it out? I badly want to punch you.

We stood three meters apart, and he closed the distance. I halted him, trying to keep my voice low.

"Yuki, please, can you stop? Let's not make a scene." Tears welled up in my eyes, but I refused to let them fall, aware of the curious gazes around us.

He let out a deep sigh before returning to his seat. He refrained from bothering me once we boarded, even though we were assigned seats beside each other.

Yet, I could feel his eyes on me, scrutinizing my every move. Strangely enough, I found myself reaching a point where I no longer cared about his watchful gaze. All I wanted was to protect myself and maintain my independence, just as he had when he was away.

Upon arrival to Milan, no one was available to pick us up from the airport, so I took a cab home. I didn't care what he did. All I wanted was to avoid him. Wasn't that what he wanted when he was away?

I start to gather my belongings, carrying them into the elevator one by one when Yuki catches up to me. Unexpectedly, he accompanies me all the way to the 6th floor.

"Why won't you stop following me?" I asked, my voice filled with a mix of frustration and helplessness.

"Eri, please. Let's talk," he pleaded desperately.

What Ishikawa wants, Ishikawa gets.

"While the traces of tears dry out,
a trail blazed across my messy mind.
Where shall we go?"

He embraced me the moment he stepped inside. I attempted to push him away, but the overwhelming flood of emotions left me powerless.

Uncontrollable tears cascaded down my cheeks, their sound echoing in the room as I wailed.

And all Yuki could utter was the word "Sorry."

It's an indescribable pain, holding onto something uncertain, unsure if there is anyone grasping the other end.

My heart throbbed with tremendous ache, as I struggled to catch my breath amidst endless tears.

Once my emotions settled, he began to speak, to explain.

"Eri, I am sorry. I was devastated by what happened during the VNL. Everything just piled up, and I couldn't handle the stress, so I shut down everything around me and focused only on volleyball. I know it is not the right thing to do, and I am reflecting on it. I left you alone and without explanation. I am very sorry for that," he explained tearfully. "You stopped messaging me, and I feared you had left for good. I was too afraid to reach out again because I'd rather have the chat box hanging than have you respond and tell me it's over." His face pleaded for forgiveness.