𝐑𝐎𝐒𝐄𝐒 𝐇𝐀𝐕𝐄 𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐑𝐍𝐒 | 𝐋.𝐀𝐂𝐊𝐄𝐑𝐌𝐀𝐍

𝟖𝟖 | 𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐋𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐁𝐞𝐲𝐨𝐧𝐝 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐒𝐞𝐚

Parting my lips no sound leaves me, as if my voice was lost.

"We'll do that then Dr Kraiser, her husband is unable to attend due to a mission beyond the walls," Hanji spoke up for me, rubbing my back in circular motions. "Will Ms Hoffmann and I be able to accompany Akira?"

"Yes, you two are able to accompany her.....she's going to need it after the delivery," He says, concern lacing in his voice. "Alright, we'll organise everything....and be prepared."

*

A FEW HOURS LATER - TROST CLINIC

Hours of constant pain and through the overbearing agony, I never felt so emotionally and physically there. Between heavy pants and painful bloodcurdling screams, all of it was in vain for my child. After Hanji signing papers, and Lena's words of encouragement, I tried to hang on a little longer during the painful hours of labor. 

It was all for nothing, my mind and body now learning reality hit heavier than I anticipated. 

Everything felt like a blur so fast yet agonisingly painful, as I kept enduring it all. Trying to hold on, my hands griping the edges of the bed while my chest burns. Hot tears stream down, my voice cracking and breaking the more I tried so hard. My hair messily covers my eyes, the sticky sweat clinging to my temple making me feel more uncomfortable than I already was.

Yet, I felt so pathetic for not seeing sooner.....

After finally having my child delivered my breath shook, tears streaming down while my throat grew sore and harder to swallow. Sweat glistens against my temple, my face a dark hue and my face blotchy from my break down. It was all too overwhelming, and I tried my best to stay strong through it all. I wonder if my mother had problems like this? Maybe she did, but I'm not too sure and I only wish to ask her...

Waiting after the doctor and Hanji cleaned up everything, all I could do was see my child laying in a small temporary bed not far from where I laid. 

My lips tremble as I couldn't tear my eyes away, hoping and wishing this wasn't true. Lena places a cool wet towel against my temple, while rubbing my shoulder and arm. We all were devastated, but this pain I feel in my chest.....it wouldn't go away. The disappointment in myself, the blame I place myself in.....it was all me.....I did this because I went to war blind, not realising the consequences.

Squeezing my eyes tightly shut tears stream down, not bearing to look at my child anymore.

"Easy.....easy...." Lena massages my shoulders tenderly, while whispering softly with words to console me. The air soon gathers before I began choking in louder sobs, before arms wrap around me quickly as I lean against Lena. Grasping onto her tightly, my body was shaking in shock and distress. Everything crashes down on me, not knowing what to do only wanting to hold onto someone. 

"Oh....god....." my voice cracks, before burying my face into Lena's chest. She runs her fingers through my hair, with her hushing me quietly to put me at ease. I couldn't comprehend how I felt, but it definitely didn't feel pleasant or positive. 

A few nurses walks in quickly not being able to hear anyone but my own sobs, as the blood pounds against my ears. My heart was still beating heavily against my chest, and my body aching and throbbing in pain. Gripping her jacket tightly, my knuckles turned white in desperation to not be left alone. I didn't know what I wanted, nor how to go forward.

"Mrs Ackerman, let's get you to a warm bath," one of the nurses softly spoke, her voice warm and mellow to ease the tension within the room. 

Hesitantly I pull away from Lena, revealing my red and blotchy face, my disheveled hair and clothes. Trying my best to move forward, my heart wouldn't dare budge. It was all too much, the weight of losing my own damn child because of my own damn actions. With Lena's support and the nurses', they aided me to the bathroom not far. Gathering all strength in my legs, my weight remains mostly against Lena before walking into the bathroom.