this is me trying

Chapter 37 - Just Come Home

I went through many of my ex-team mates and friends: Georgia, Keira, Lucy, Alanna, and Ellie, leaving messages for all of them, hoping to finish of what I started. I knew that once I did what I was going to, I couldn't have them holding out hope of my return.

I soon disabled my social media, saying goodbye to the Instagram account that I had had since I was 15. I turned off my Twitter and even deleted my tik tok account that I had fun with during lockdown in 2020.

It was time to leave.

I shipped my boxes back home: Trondheim.

I called Ingrid from the plane, wanting to tell her exactly what this all meant.

"Eva?" she asked, as she picked up the phone.

"Hey," I answered.

"What's up?"

"I'm sorry."

"For?"

"Letting you down."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm going home, indefinitely."

"What?"

"I'm not going to Wolfsburg, or Madrid, or Lyon. I am going home."

"But-"

"I can't do this anymore. I need to be back home. I need to be back where i belong."

"But, Ev, you can belong anywhere."

"No, I can't."

"What about Ona?"

"We're going our own ways."

"Eva, have you really thought this through?"

"Yes. I have."

"I- I don't know what to say."

"Just say you will still be my best friend," I laughed, trying to bring some light to the dark conversation we were having.

"I'll always be your best friend. I love you, Eva, even when you seem so delusional."

"You do know why I am doing this, right?" I asked her.

"I'll never know why you do the things you do, but I am not going to be the person that sits here and judges." The seatbelt sign soon turned on and I knew it was time I had to go. I said goodbye to my best friend knowing it wouldn't be forever, but it would be a while.

I was going home.

She was not.

I was taking time away from the sport that consumed my brain.

She wasn't.

There was a difference between us, so stark, so contrasting.

We were both broken two years ago when I went to City and she went to Barcelona. But football fixed her. It brought something out in her that nothing else could. Mapi changed her; she found her love once again.

And even though I found my love, it was different. I couldn't love her the way I needed to. I was too trapped up in the broken side of me that I could never heal. I wanted to. I wanted Ona to heal me but I knew it was unfair to her if I did.

She didn't deserve it.

After all, I was never the hero of this story.

I was never the villain either.

I was my own victim, brought down by the brain that consumed me.

Brought down by my own mind.

No one understands it, until they live it. No one can truly see how my brain works until they feel it.

I've felt it. I've felt it for 10 years since Nora died. I have felt the pounding thoughts ruin my brain, day by day, hour by hour. It never ends.

I could only hope that going home, indefinitely would. I could only hope that my own brain will rise once again, breaking through the self-made barriers that only I could pull down.

Once the plane had landed in Trondheim, I could finally breathe. The fresh, Norwegian air was everything I needed. Everything I wanted.

NORWEGIAN MIDFIELDER ANNOUNCES SHOCK RETIREMENT: EVA VALTERSEN SET TO LEAVE NATIONAL TEAM AND MANCHESTER CITY

Shocking news has been released via Manchester City this morning confirming the shock retirement of 24 year old star Eva Valtersen. Valtersen, who had played for Manchester City for two seasons, did not resign for her Manchester club for the upcoming summer, and seemingly took up no other options from European teams, despite the interest.

Valtersen, arguably Norway's best midfielder and a crucial player to their attack, has been a staple within the national team since she was 18. She has played for both Trondheim, in the Norweigan league, and City, becoming one of the most important players in both teams.

The retirement comes as a shock as Valtersen played some fantastic football at the recent Women's World Cup despite the internal disputes within the Norweigan National Team and the early exit, after losing to Spain in the round of 16.

Many question how this retirement came about, but Valtersen has yet to comment, seemingly disappearing from all social media platforms, disabling her instagram and Twitter.

At a recent interview, Valtersen's closet friend, Ingrid Engen, fellow Norwegian team mate was asked about the shock retirement.

"Eva [Valtersen] did what she needed and I'm super proud of her," Engen said, after asking upon the retirement. "Other than that, I can't give any more information."

Head Coach, HEge Riise, also commented on the retirement, saying that she was "very disappointed" to hear the news but "respect[s] Eva's decision to do what is best for her."

The certain circumstances of Valtersen's retirement will most likely never be revealed, but it does make those question whether the environment for these young players is strong enough to support, and make sure no room for some to slip between the gaps.

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- one more left