Still Beating Jennifer Hartmann

Chapter Twenty-Six

"You should come out with me tonight."

I'm sitting with my best friend in our favorite local coffee shop, sipping on a latte like I didn't just attempt suicide two weeks ago.

I glance up at Lily, cupping the warm brew between my palms, considering her offer while nibbling my lip. "I don't know. I go back to work on Monday—I should probably just rest up and relax this weekend."

Lily fiddles with her long, dark braid hanging over one shoulder. "I think it will be good for you. You've been a hermit ever since..." She lowers her eyes. "Well, you know. I feel like it's only been taking you down a black hole of despair. You need fun and friends."

I instinctively reach for my wrist, catching myself before I start scratching at it. I finger my necklace instead. "I'm sorry, but I don't know those words. Are they new?"

She shakes her head with a laugh. "Come on, Cora. I'm meeting Amy and the guys at the new brewery downtown. Everyone would love to see you."

"I'm a mess, Lily. This morning was the first time in weeks I put on pants that didn't have an elastic waistband and nautical dog patterns."

"Exactly. It's time to put yourself back out there." Lily shoots me a mischievous wink from across the bistro table. "Jason will be there."

Ugh. Jason.

"That's not a good idea. I know you're just trying to help, but..." I squeeze my coffee cup a little too hard and cappuccino starts leaking out the top. "I'm kind of emotionally involved with someone else right now."

Crap. I finally said it. I finally admitted my awful, salacious truth.

Lily doesn't know about Dean. She's about to flip out and do that thing with her mouth.

"What? Who?" she wonders, craning her neck back with disbelief.

I cough into my hand. "Dean."

"Irene?" She blinks. "The science teacher with the sideburns?"

I cough again. "Dean."

"Stop coughing!"

"Dean," I finally say, loud and clear, then slink back into my seat with reddening cheeks.

Lily does that thing with her mouth, gaping at me with her eyes bugged out. "Please tell me this is a Supernatural reference. I know those Winchesters seem so real sometimes when we're all alone at night with our vibr—"

"Dean. Dean Asher. Dean, my sister's ex. My almost brother-in-law, my long-time nemesis, the source of nearly every single migraine I've ever had over the last fifteen years, the reason I have a complex about spaghetti... and the only reason I'm still alive right now rambling off my sinful secret to you." I say it all in one breath, placing both palms against my flushed face. I inhale deep, both shame and longing battling it out inside me.

The shame is for dodging his calls ever since I was released from the hospital, even though he's the only person in the world I long to hear from. I've sent him a few texts to let him know I'm doing okay so he doesn't worry, but I keep them brief and unemotional. And I completely ignored his text from last night asking if we could grab lunch this weekend and talk.

Lily is rendered speechless, which is uncommon. She stares at me with copper eyes, processing the absurdity I just spewed at her. "Wow."

"Yeah. Wow."

"That's..." She blows out a breath.

"I'm broken." I slouch further into the chair, hoping it'll swallow me up. "I'm broken, right?"