Friends or Lovers?

Chapter 1

As I attend church every Sunday. I rarely notice this certain guy, let's call him N. He looks like every other little dude. Small, not interesting and not cool. At that time, I was probably 12-13 years old. Even though I was pretty much surrounded with a lot of young girls and guys, I didn't think much about relationships. I mean, who has time to date when your still a baby? Certainly not me... Relationships are cringe. Even though I was surrounded by a lot of people, I didn't have much guy friends as I have high loyalty to important people in my life. I don't have time to waste on guys who only want me for my looks. And let me tell you something, I would get stares from guys all the time which was really annoying and stressful at times. I was a pretty average looking girl. At church, people would stare at me but never approach me... Im not sure if it's because I look unapproachable or because of a somewhat "high standard vibe" I give off. But all I know is that I had a crisis of not talking to people because I felt the pressure of everyone always looking at what I'm doing, and not approaching me. Do I look weird? Get me out of here. Why do people keep looking at me? These are always the questions I ask myself. 

When covid hit, it was such an awesome time for me to stay home and be with myself. But I would have to say, it was not healthy. I would binge watch anime and eat in my room. I didn't go out often during covid. I was pale. But I was happy. After all the things I've experienced and the time away from people, I thought that maybe I'm just not somebody who likes human interactions. But obviously it's the opposite, don't ever doubt yourself that you're incapable of talking to people, you can. I could. And I did. 

Few years later, I'm 16. And wow, that dude looks really handsome. Guess who it was!! It was N. That small dude turned into this really handsome and tall guy. He was really like.. my type. He definitely changed over the years. I would say I had slowly changed as well. But wow though, N looked really good. From time to time, I would stare off to the crowd on Sunday at church and look at him. He looks like he's probably hitting it off really well with many girls. I mean, he was a 8-9/10. Like better than average guys. During this time when I had somewhat began being interested in him, and by interested I mean wanting to get to know him. I think he had gotten a girlfriend. Not that I cared though, because if he had a girlfriend that I knew of at that time, then thats easier for me to let go of any curiosity feelings towards N. Few weeks had passed and he didn't come to church regularly. I would only ever see him 4-5 times a month. It's not really a lot. So then, all those lingering feelings left and I was completing disinterested and continued on focusing on my relationships with my friends. It was hard to get back to normal as I hadn't seen people in a long time. But going to church really helped me change into a great person and is now able to open up a bit better and be social. Even my parents said they saw a change in me because I looked more livelier and they were happy to see me go out with friends.

I'm now 18 years old. Im loving life. Yes, I have some bad days but I never let that get the hold of me. Im living right now, I love life. I've been christian my whole life so any negativity is not something I am used to nor what to experience. Im living a positive life. I've recovered from my covid homesickness and is slowly getting out there and having fun with friends and life. There's no stress and I feel alive. *Im so annoying*... its him again. N. Haven't even thought about him in so long. N has been coming to church more often now. He's always there in the crowd when I glance around. He's looking at me too. Too much though... But I don't know what to think because I've always experienced this kind of thing of guys looking at me. Like do they like me or something? don't just stare at me, you know? Im embarrassed. This was the first sign of interest between the both of us. well maybe for me, I want to get to know him. Whenever I saw him, he was glancing at me. I would glance at him too. Not too much though as I think thats weird. We never interacted with each other nor talked with each each other... like ever. It was always us glaring at each other, liking each others instagram posts, stories and messaging with each other here and there. 

Okay, Im getting really annoyed because he hasn't come up and talk to me. And I really don't like messaging him on instagram because I see him once a week anyway. Okay Tish, you're going to go and talk to him. After Sunday service, I wait a bit before going outside where everyone is. I stay with my friends and family for a few minutes. I notice a group of people walk but stop at the entrance of the room I am in. It's him. it's N. He's with his friends. But why did they stop there? I have no idea. N wasn't looking my way, I locked eyes with his friend as he was staring at me. They walked off and  chilled outside. Okay, so he's here. Im getting nervous now. He was also matching with my outfit, such a coincidence. I was wearing a simple charcoal coloured shirt, black pants with white shoes. So was he. Like what the heck! Anyways, now I know he's here. Im getting very anxious and my heart feels scared. I tell my friend that N is here. They all tell me to go up and talk to him, which I know I have to do. And why? well, its because I had texted him a week before saying "sorry for being rude, I hope I didn't act mean towards you." Why did I write that? Well it was because that week, he had looked at me and smiled, I smiled back but I don't think he saw and because someone was calling my name. I don't think he saw me smile back at him as I got out cut off from a friend, and so I felt like I ignored him. So I messaged saying "sorry for that."

Cut to the week later when I had noticed N and I were matching. I finally tell my friends to come outside with me, and so they lead me... and they literally take me right next to his friends. So im now only an arm away from him. Im nervous. Im shaking. I keep putting my hands and covering my face because of how embarrassed I am right now to do this. After a few minutes, I slowly walk up near him. All I have to do now is tap him on his shoulder. I hesitate for a long time. Then I finally tap him on his shoulder *little tap*. He turns around and looks at me. My friends come and huddle with his friend group too and says hello to N's friends. I was only interested in talking to N. The first thing I say to him is "Hey, we're kinda matching today..." N looks at me and starts to make conversation back after that comment I made. We start talking and talking about life and our hobbies. He slowly drifts away from his friend group and is only paying attention to me. I stop having butterflies. I think the butterflies were just me feeling anxious. it feels like a chill and polite conversation and getting to know each other. The stress is gone and all I am focusing on is our conversation. I look into his eyes and he looks at my eyes. Okay.. he's looking really intensely into my eyes, not diverting them at all. I feel awkward. It feels like a K-drama. Why? Well, there's so much space around us, nobody even budges to come near us. I feel people staring... yep, they are. I don't like attention, but it feels like it's only him and I and nobody else around. Yes it's loud, but it doesn't feel crowded. Im not the type to fall in love easily. Even with him, I don't like him. I only want to get to know him right now at this stage. But everyone seems we like each other or that we are dating. I mean, I don't blame them. We are literally matching. Yes he is my type, but I would like to get to know him first then start having hard feelings. This is only the beginning of what could be either a good friendship or something special...