How Chaos Will Bloom

Chapter one: Life of being stuck

I am sitting on the very corner of my room feeling weak. All I think about is death, all negative thoughts drowned this very second and I can't hold my tears as it flows through my cheeks and lands on my shaking knees. Reality isn't being good with me.

"Callie, Callie" someone called me but I didn't bother to answer nor give it a glance. I just want to be alone and think of death. I don't know what to do, and I don't know what will happen next. I continued to cry more and hug myself. The situation I can't accept is that my mom died. I've been living with her my whole life and now I don't know how to face it. Suddenly my cousin's older brother came to me and said "Stop crying, you're mom wouldn't be happy if she sees you like that you know" as he said that I burst into tears even more and answered "how can I stop when I felt this knife drooling in to my heart and felt like the half of it is gone, I thought I'll be with her until my birthday comes, I thought God will help her survive through the year and my family will always stay happy." He answered "Callie, you know situations happen with purpose, and you know your mom wants to live, it's that her body can't, and she is probably with God now." He said while patting my back. I feel so weak and tell myself again and again that this is just a dream. I tried to slap my face hard and punch my hands and chest but nothing happened. It's already night and my grandma is really anxious if I'll eat or not. I fell asleep but it feels like my mind is alive and still can't recover. As I woke up, I felt so nervous but didn't show it.

After a few weeks, we are at the cemetery and I literally can't stop my tears from flowing out from my eyes. My family and relatives gave the flower already but I held on to it too tight and did not say anything because of this freaking pain that's been torturing me. We went back to the city and as I walked through my room I felt so empty. I picked out my journal from my bookshelf and started writing.

"Dear diary,

Hey! I've been not so good lately cause it is all worse. Gosh, do you imagine it's just the beginning of the year but it showed it's bad side already. What am I gonna do now? What will happen next? What if I just cut my life too? I am so tired both mentally and physically. Life isn't as great as I thought it would be. I don't want someone to talk to now. I just want to run away and go to the mountains and scream. I want to walk beside the sea and breathe. Thinking of suicide, it wouldn't be nice idea because I know my mom wherever she is probably not gonna like it. But I hope this letter will somehow reduce my pain please, just 0.01%, that's a big help for me already.

Lonesome,
Callie"

I put back my journal on its place and lay on my green fluffy single bed and stared at the window on the right side of my room and stuck on one thought. Wishing someday I'll be someone else the one that will never suffer things like this and have a perfect life I wanted.

The sun is going down and I feel so stiff of laying down, sitting, and standing inside the house. Karina then poked me, my sister, "Sis why don't you go outside? You never leave our house you know" she asks with her irritated but questionable painting on her face. "I don't feel like it" I simply answered and she left me alone. I sat on the surface of the window and felt the warm breeze of air in the afternoon. I looked at the sky and stared at my phone to watch some movies or choose music to play. My life continues everyday just like that. I am also kind of distracted by my studies but still promised myself that I'll do better.

I gazed at my window before sleeping, the moon reflects on my glass white tinted windows. My room was cozy with pastel pink paint on it with gray curtains and wooden cabinets and table. I walked up to my bed and slept but I couldn't. It is already 11 in the evening. I sat up and started crying involuntarily because I felt the ache in my heart. I felt the pain, the pain that I think will always stay forever. As I cry, my mind is drooling with a lot of thoughts. It's 11:11 pm and I try to throw a wish, "Please, please!! I am begging, I want to escape this freaking pain, I don't like it anymore and I hate it so much. Please bring my mom back." I stated, even though I know that is a hard wish to come true. I know I am a fool for telling that but that's the real thing I wanted. From that, I always fight back my feelings in the morning and create a silent cry in the evening.

You know "fake it till you make it" but for me "fake it till you survived it".