Nothing But Bones

38: XOXO, Go Piss Girl

She shakes her head, somewhere between laughing and letting herself cry. "He's already getting shot."

"I don't know how you ended up immortal, and I'm sure I'll find out eventually, but you're the coolest immortal person I know."

"Darius is going to blow that out of the water." Tiff wipes her nose again.

"I'll throw eggs at him, then."

"In this economy?" She pulls the finger bone Kepler found in the house out of her pocket to test the joint and have something to do with her hands. "They didn't tell me this would happen, you know. When they called us to Cosmic Court? They just said we were going to live longer."

"It sounds like you were thrust into whatever it is you are and given no instructions. I am sorry. I know that's not, you know, much. But I am. You've seen and done so much, but I can tell a lot weighs heavily on you."

"I mean... does it matter? Unless the universe steps in, it's just going to keep going. Forever. Until I'm unrecognizable. Until I sequester myself somewhere far off. There's going to be a point where I can't keep living... here. On Earth. In humanity. We're smarter than they give us credit for, I think. We know when something isn't right. It's like the calm 'I'm going to die' of organ failure, but more... uncanny valley."

He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. "That's a lot to weigh on your mind. It doesn't seem fair—"

"It's fair. I'm the one who chose it—"

"You're so young."

"Yeah, well. We both are. That doesn't mean that I didn't make that decision. We're old enough to get jobs and go to college; we're old enough to decide, after five months of isolating ourselves in a shed and trying to put away everything you hold dear, that it's a great idea to become immortal by accident."

"Would you reverse it? You know, if the option was presented to you?"

"I mean... it just hit. I don't know. I've seen—" She takes a deep, shaky breath and corrects, "I've heard, secondhand, about other versions of me. One, uh... She never got involved in this kind of thing in the way I did. No Dreaming, no Cosmic Court. There was a lot going on, but I don't think Ben ever did what he did and so Oneiron didn't come through in the way he did, if at all, so she... took a different route, and died at thirty-one. And it meant something. And that's the thing I've been trying to get to, trying to understand, but it never actually comes."

"Dying? It's probably good you're not dead."

"No, a death that means something. How could it mean something? Before we went to Cosmic Court, I almost died at least four times, and I didn't really care for any of them. It only mattered insofar as it inspired others to keep going. I was— I was the fucking side character, the quickly-killed slasher rule exposition machine. But her death meant something. How could it mean something?"

"You... wanted your death to be meaningless?"

"It was easier that way. The thought of it hurt less. Now it has to mean something— and I have proof it meant something for at least two other versions of me, so there goes ny entire fucking worldview and I have to build everything I know about destiny from scratch. I don't have one. Like 97% of the population, I don't have one. I just have what I did to myself. But— the Vagrant's Tiff— we're not entirely the same person. Even if we are. I know it doesn't make sense— but it's all I've got. And somebody needs to do this, and I like it. I like the thrill of learning new things, the jolt of realization, I like... I don't know. I don't know."

She thinks, for a long moment, chewing the inside of her lip again. She doesn't taste anything.

"I wouldn't," she decides. "I wouldn't reverse it. I don't think I ever wanted to."

We haven't known each other long at all, but that totally tracks with you. I see you. You are a badass. Legit. But you care and I can feel that radiate off of you." He chuckles awkwardly, running a hand through his in-need-of-a-wash strawberry blonde hair. "I want you to know, and maybe this will sound insane to you, but I think you're someone worth dying for. I'm not saying I want to die, which I most certainly do not, but I think you would be worth it if I did. I feel better knowing you're out there in the world doing wild Tiff shit."

"Oh, god." She leans back into the tub, resting the back of her skull against the rim. "You can't say that! It'll go to my head, and Denny's been trying to get me to be more responsible lately."

"Maybe it should go to your head! Be proud of yourself. I'm proud of myself, and for what we've done tonight. Sure, it was sloppy as fuck, but we still did some cool shit. I nearly died. You would have died if not for the immortality thing, but we're still fucking here," he reaches over to the counter and picks up the jar, "and Boris has no dick."

Laughing, she reaches up and takes it from him to hold like a pillow to her stomach. "Well, when you put it that way..."

A knock on the bathroom door breaks up their conversation. Melvin stands in the doorway, looking expectantly at them. "My dears, I believe we've found some very interesting things in this fascinating book. Do come out! Plus I really, really have to piss."

"Melvin." Tiff looks up at him. "The door is open. Just piss."

He scoffs, clutching imaginary pearls. "I am not going to piss in front of you two."

"It's 2023. You can piss."

"I don't care what year it is, I'm not going to piss. Can you just get your nearly-dead body out here so I can show you some cool magic shit?"

"I still don't get why you're British," she mutters, doing exactly what he said anyway. It's an ordeal, and Elton has to help pull her from the ceramic, but she does it.

"I am entirely too British for your little town, my dear. Thought about running for mayor, though. Wouldn't that be wild? I'd love to drop that Ivan off into the Faelands and let them do naughty Fae shit to him."

"I can't be connected to the mayor. It'll drop my credibility."

"Your credibility? I've got a show on Netflix! A bad one, but still. Plus, I have the most adorable little fantasy writer on his way to town. He could be my big breakout in the world of publishing. Being mayor of Lake Wonder would not do me any favors."

"Then don't run." She shrugs. "I don't actually care about the mayoral election as long as Ivan doesn't win."

"You are just a bright ray of sunshine. I wonder if we can find a spell that will turn you back from that grumpy Care Bear."

"Loyal Heart?"

"I don't know. Maybe?"

"No," she remembers, "that was the dog. The grumpy bear was just Grumpy Bear."

Dumbfounded, Elton just stands there and watches this exchange between the two and then looks at Kepler. Kepler shrugs.

Looking down at her chest, Tiff mutters, "I guess having my heart out is pretty Care Bears of me."

Ellis walks behind Melvin, book in hand. "Are you two done? I'm actually the one who is going to talk about cool magical shit and I'm pretty excited about that, so I'd appreciate it if we could get started."

"I would be more excited if I weren't so tired and bloodless." She claps Melvin on the shoulder. "Go piss, girl."

He turns his nose up at her, ushering everyone out of the bathroom. Before he closes the door, he says, "I will."

Tiff calls, through the door, "Ignore the stuff on the counter, please!"

"I would have respected your privacy had you not said anything, dear," he calls back loudly over the sound of his piss.

"Just like Dingus." There's no more putting it off; she looks to Ellis, clapped hands a pointing arrow. "I'm sorry. Please explain."