Our Broken Love (Angels of war series #4)

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

It's a couple of hours drive up to Leicester where Max's rehabilitation centre is and I spend most of the drive quietly planning what I'm going to say to him.

"How have you been feeling? Any pregnancy symptoms?" James asks, probably feeling awkward from the silence.

I don't mean to be quiet, I just have a lot of things going on in my mind right now.

"I feel okay thanks. A bit more tired than usual and I have these new random little pains every now and then, but apart from that I'm good," I say.

He smiles. "Poor Scar felt worse in the beginning. I remember her saying she felt like she was riding a boat all day."

"How did you feel when you saw Elsie for the first time?" I ask.

He makes a load of noises at once. "Awe. I felt like my brain shut down for a moment because it couldn't deal with that amount of love. She was my baby. Mine to protect. It'd been her the whole time. Of course it had."

I smile. "That's beautiful."

"He's going to love this baby more than anything, Penny. I know you're worrying, but he will step up," he says, somehow reading my thoughts without me having to say anything.

"I'm petrified of doing this alone," I admit out loud. "I know I have my family and support, but... it just feels so daunting to not know where I stand with Max." 

I think moving forward those important types of conversations need to had, but later on down the line. The work Max is doing now is going to benefit our child, so for now I'm going to support him and push our problems aside.

...

Max crumbles as soon as he sees me. The pure devastation on his face causing tears to rush to my eyes. It's not ideal with having him here, but it's going to be okay.

"Hey," he whimpers when he sees my expression matches his torn one, pulling me in for a long hug, wrapping me up tight in his arms. "Thank you for coming."

I cling to his top, pressing my face in his good-smelling chest. He looks brighter already, eyes clear and body clean.

It throws me, because for some reason I didn't expect it.

"Mmm, you smell so good. Like home," he says, nose buried in my hair.

My eyes close tight, surprised by my affection for him when I was so set on keeping my distance. "You too."

After pressing a kiss on my head, he pulls back to gently touch my belly, reaching out for James's hand to pull him in for a hug too.

I give Max some space while he hugs his best friend, thanking him for getting me here safe. The warmth of this room helps lessen the anxiety and the smell of fresh flowers and vanilla. It's got a cosy home vibe. 

"I have something to show you," I say when Max leads me to sit next to him on the couch. I pull the ultrasound picture from my handbag and hand it over to him. "Here's our bubba."

He takes the pictures on a sharp gasp, studying our baby before running his finger over the glossy paper and looking at me. "Oh, Penny. Our little bubba."

"Aren't they perfect?" My voice wobbles.

"They're everything." The way he says this explains so much without many words. It's like he's been waiting forever for this moment. "Wow, this is mad, Penny. I still can't quite believe it"

"It doesn't feel real to me, either." But it is and I'm beside myself with joy.

James clears his throat. "I'm going to wander into town to grab some food to give you guys some privacy."

Max stands up after squeezing my hand. "Okay, man."

They pat shoulders with James sneaking out as Max settles back beside me. I settle back into the soft cushions, watching as Max picks up my hand to sweep his thumb over my knuckles. My skin prickles enough for me to pull my hand back, folding my fingers together to rest between my knees.

The wavering in his eyes don't go missed. "There isn't enough sorries in this world to say to you, but I'm going to try. It starts with me admitting responsibility for my actions instead of running away from them. I know I have a major problem and I'll do whatever it takes to get healthy. I can't deal with the shame of it anymore. My body is done with addiction."

"This is a big start. The fact you're speaking like this and sounding so genuine is amazing. You should be so proud of yourself because I am," I say, letting him take my hand this time. 

Our fingers link and he squeezes them before lifting them to his lips. "The course they have me on is intensive... but they don't think it's enough time for me, so they want to extend it." 

"Okay," I reply, not about to show him how this affects me, because that would be selfish. Right now, right here, his need to get better is what matters. "You need to do whatever is best for your recovery."

He frowns at his lap. "It would mean me being here for most of your pregnancy. I don't want that, of course I don't. The thought kills me." 

"I want you fully here for when our baby arrives, not halfway and if that means you extending your stay, then that's what you have to do, okay?" I reply, internally scolding myself when my voice breaks. 

"Please don't cry," he begs, wrapping me up agin when a couple sobs escape. "I'm so sorry. This is all on me. What I have put you through, my selfishness has landed us here." 

"No... it's just. I'm," it feels impossible to say the words without hating myself a little for them, "I'm scared. Pregnancy scares me to death, Max." 

I suppose when you spend most of your life telling yourself you'll never get to experience having a baby the conventional way, you don't ever believe you'll be given the chance. So, when you are, you start thinking about all the ways it can go wrong. 

"I'll tell them it's not possible for me to stay longer-!"

I shake my head. "No, no, that's not what you should do at all, and it's why I shouldn't have said anything. This isn't about me." 

"Are you serious? It has everything to do with you. You're the main reason I'm here, trying to get better. I love you so hard. I want us to have a long and happy life together," he says. 

I stare deep into his pain-filled eyes and barely get my words out. "I want you to do this for you, baby."

He releases a small laugh. "I am doing it for me. It's okay to want to be better for people I love too." 

He's right. There's so many people in his corner, wishing him well. If anything, it's comforting to know he can acknowledge that as well.  

"I told them I'm going to the next scan. It doesn't feel fair they made me miss this one," he says, chewing hard on the corner of his mouth. 

I nod. "I missed you. We'll probably be able to find out the gender on the next one." 

The way his eyes light up fills me with so many emotions. "Will we? That's something to look forward to." 

"It is." My voice trails off. "They treat you good in here, right?"

I spent countless hours reading the horror stories from people who have been abused in rehabilitation. It turns my stomach how someone could take advantage of someone so vulnerable. 

He moves closer to my face. "They're all great in here. So kind and understanding." 

That's relieving for sure. "I'm happy to hear. And then hopefully the weeks will fly by and you'll be out of here." 

"What's six months, hey?" 

Six months?!

...

Hi lovelies! <3

I'm so sorry for not uploading as much as usual, but I have been working hard on something extremely exciting behind the scenes! I can't wait to share with you xxx