Afraid

1

She wasn't stupid, but a part of her wished that she was. She knew this wasn't how it normally was. The way their conversation ended that night wasn't how it usually ends. Minji doesn't know why or when it began, but their relationship started to feel like walking on eggshells. Maybe it was her fault. She shouldn't have said that stupid joke one night that made the younger girl upset. The Korean girl couldn't stop saying sorry for what she said. Minji was sure it wasn't that night. They quickly resolved the problem and went back to joking about anything that came to mind. But as time went on, Minji noticed that the atmosphere between them had changed. There was a lingering tension, a distance that she couldn't quite pinpoint. It seemed like their conversations were now filled with cautious words and forced laughter, as if they were both afraid of saying something wrong.

Maybe it was Hanni's fault. That one afternoon, Minji wasn't in her best mood, and just as she opened her phone and scrolled through Instagram, she instantly regretted deciding to view Haerin's post, in which the young girl was on vacation with her family and relatives. Nothing was wrong with the picture; it was the comments under it that caught Minji's attention. There were several comments from Hanni, which mostly referred to one of Haerin's cousins. Hanni ranted about how the stranger was handsome and that maybe he was her soulmate. It irked Minji. She couldn't take her eyes off the phone screen. Maybe she was masochistic after all; she kept looking and reading despite the fact that it was hurting her feelings. She was trying to think of reasons why Hanni said all those things. She was obviously jealous. It would've been fine if the guy wasn't even attractive at all; then maybe she'd believe that Hanni's comments were all sarcasm, but no, he looked annoyingly handsome. Minji had all the reasons to feel hurt. She knew she couldn't match a guy because she was a girl, and of course she lacks a lot of things a boy would have. On top of all that, she would never be able to match anything or anyone that Hanni wants. 

A part of her believes that all the Vietnamese girl said on the app were sarcastic comments and that there was no way that her girlfriend really felt that way. Why would she openly say those things on public social media? Or perhaps it was Hanni's intention to hurt Minji, but indirectly, as she was afraid of saying it straight to her face. Maybe this was a sign that Hanni was tired of their relationship. Minji cursed at how the Vietnamese girl didn't even try to hide what she thought of him; it almost felt like she wanted Minji to hurt. As Minji scrolled through the comments, she couldn't help but wonder if there were underlying issues in their relationship that she had failed to notice. Maybe it was Hanni's way of getting back at her after that joke she made one night. The thought of Hanni intentionally wanting to hurt Minji left the latter feeling vulnerable and unsure about the future of their relationship. She decided not to confront the younger girl just yet. But she did leave a comment, asking how Haerin was throughout their vacation. She knew her girlfriend would know that she saw her comments but ignored them. And yes, Hanni was aware that Minji saw them, but none of them said anything.

Maybe it wasn't her fault or Hanni's. She didn't want to blame the younger girl, as she knew that she also made mistakes herself. Maybe it was the distance. It should be the distance. Minji was such an overthinker that she knew herself to be someone who was very thoughtful and sensitive. She always tried her very best to not upset people. 

She knew she was bad at saying sorry or apologizing. So in order to avoid having to woo other people who she has disappointed, she tries her best to please them and keep them content. She sounded like she was a people-pleaser, but no, she isn't. Or maybe she is. Minji's constant self-doubt and fear of disappointing others often led her to question her own intentions. She wondered if her efforts to please others were genuine or simply a facade to avoid confrontation. Despite her inner turmoil, Minji genuinely cared about the well-being of those around her and always strived to make amends when necessary.

Minji found herself cursing at the thought of how she used to think that preserving a relationship or making it last was quite an easy job if only both parties were smart and rational enough. And of course, there has to be communication. Communication is the key, they all say. She was also very aware that both parties should be sensitive to each other's feelings. If you truly loved a person, you wouldn't want to hurt them, so you'd do your best not to do anything that would hurt your partner. And that's exactly what she's been doing throughout their relationship. She's been very careful at handling the younger girl, who was very sensitive. Between the two, it was always Minji who'd say words of assurance and send long paragraphs of explanations about how she loved the younger girl and all her flaws. Both of them were big overthinkers; they were aware. But Minji couldn't help but think of how she was always the one on the understanding side. It was always her who'd say sorry. It was always her who gave assurance. When was it her turn to receive the assurance she craved? 

Despite the feeling of unfairness, she knew it was also her fault, as she wasn't as vocal as the Vietnamese. She always bottled up her feelings and pretended to be okay with things she was upset and bothered about. She was almost never honest about how she felt when she was upset. Minji realized that her lack of communication was hindering her from receiving the assurance she longed for. She understood that it was important to express her true feelings and be honest about her emotions, even when it felt difficult or uncomfortable. By opening up and being more vocal, she hoped to create a space where she could also receive the understanding and assurance she deserved. But it was all too late—or at least she thinks it is.

There was that one night when she decided to open up and explain how she felt despite not being asked. She messaged Hanni, asking if the latter was mad at her or something. The Vietnamese girl replied no' and asked if she seemed angry at Minji. Before she was able to reply, Hanni asked another question. 'Have you been overthinking again?.' Minji cursed at how she didn't know what to say. It was a simple yes-or-no question. She was supposed to be honest about her feelings, but she couldn't seem to do it. Her fingers wouldn't type on the phone's screen. She thought it would've been better if Hanni was indeed mad. Despite it being hard, she found apologizing an easier task than opening up about her feelings.

It's been a month and a half since School ended, and Hanni is back in her homeland, Australia. Minji recalled how, on the last day they saw each other, she was already on the brink of crying just minutes after saying goodbye to her girlfriend. She knew it was going to be hard. Especially with her pessimistic self. She always found a way to ruin her own day by thinking of negative things. As Hanni settled back into her routine in Australia, she couldn't help but feel a pang of sadness whenever she thought about Minji. However, she made a promise to herself to stay positive and cherish the memories they had created together. Hanni knew that maintaining a positive mindset would be crucial to overcoming the challenges of being apart from her girlfriend. Or was that really how Hanni felt? Minji didn't know. She was completely unaware of whatever was going on in her girlfriend's mind at those times. 

The distance between them began to grow in the middle of the second month of the vacation. She knew from the beginning that their whole situation was complicated. It just is. As the days passed, Minji found herself questioning if their relationship could withstand the strain of the distance. Doubts started to creep into her mind, causing her to wonder if their love was strong enough to endure. Despite the uncertainty, Minji remained hopeful and determined to make it work, holding onto the belief that their bond was worth fighting for.

"Fuck different time zones." Minji would occasionally curse under her breath whenever she was frustrated regarding her lack of interaction with Hanni. She couldn't help but feel a pang of longing for their conversations, which were now limited to sporadic messages and missed calls. The distance between them felt even more unbearable as Minji yearned for the closeness they once shared.

 She reminisced about the late-night talks and laughter they used to share, feeling a sense of emptiness without Hanni's presence. The time zones seemed to amplify their physical separation, leaving Minji longing for the day when they could be together again.