The Godless Ones // YunSan

two

     “You’re trans?” San asked quietly, looking up at Jongho. Jongho nodded.

     “This is the gender queer cabin. You and Hongjoong are the only cis men here.” Jongho chuckled.

     “Oh.” San was unsure what that term meant. If he had to guess then he guessed it meant the opposite of trans. “What are… everyone’s pronouns?” He asked, hoping it was the correct response.

     “All pronouns but mainly she and they for me. Everyone already says he all the time, it’s nice to get away from it with people who know.” Mingi spoke up. San hummed, nodding as if he understood. He would one day. He looked at Jongho and Seonghwa.

     “They/them.” Seonghwa said quietly.

     “He/him.” Jongho said with a smile.

     “I’m in the he/him club too.” Hongjoong said, knocking his hand on the floor. San nodded and picked a card up. He examined his hand, switching one card out. He spent a second counting them before realising he had thirty-one. Quietly he put his cards down face up. 

     “Oh, shit.” Jongho chuckled. “San, what are your pronouns?” He’d never been asked the question before. It made him think a bit. He’d never thought outside of what he’d been assigned and so he gave that answer for now.

     “He/him.” He said quietly. He looked up at the others as if looking for confirmation that his answer was correct. “Are you comfortable with me, Jongho, and Hongjoong rooming in the same cabin as you two?” San asked, suddenly feeling like it would be a bit awkward for Mingi and Seonghwa to share a room with three guys. Mingi and Seonghwa shared a look. Seonghwa shrugged their shoulders while Mingi grimaced.

     “I don’t mind. I’m more masc aligned.” Seonghwa said. Mingi hummed in discomfort.

     “I think it's weird. I feel more like a girl most days, so it’s kinda weird to room with masc people. But it’s more comfortable knowing they all understand. I’d be scared for my life if I had to room with a bunch of brother Soojong’s.” Mingi gagged at the idea. “Such a creep.” San nodded.

     “It’s not fair that he singles you out.” San said.

     “He does it for a reason. The same reason why Eunhyuk bullies Yunho.” Jongho said, grabbing everyone's cards so he could shuffle them. San tried not to flinch at his name. “They don’t do it to me or Hwa because they can’t clock me and Seonghwa isn’t out yet.” Seonghwa nodded.

     “I’m sorry they’re like this.” San whispered. “I’ve never seen them act this way before.” He admitted. Hongjoong shrugged.

     “Because you fit into their mold, they’ve never had a reason to show you this side of them.” He said.

     “If you’re not here of your own volition or because you were outed then what happened to you?” San asked Seonghwa. They looked at him and without hesitation answered his question.

     “I tried to kill myself.” They said. San tried to control his face so he wouldn’t look shocked. He looked away. “Sorry. I should’ve warned you before airing out my sins.” San’s cheeks burned hot.

     “I… sorry. I don’t know what to say.” San whispered, blinking back tears of embarrassment.

     “I don’t think anyone does.” Seonghwa said. “I feel bad for you, San. You’re clearly not one of them.”

      “I don’t know what I am.” San wanted to say. Instead he kept his mouth quiet, saying nothing as the conversation continued.

     “Hongjoong came here ‘cause he has some kind of degradation kink.” Mingi laughed. Hongjoong rolled his eyes.