Javier's Chico

14.

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"Javi, wake up! Hey, hey, it's alright!" John woke up to the sound of Javier tossing and turning, even talking a little. He heard the name "Antonio" at least twice, and poor Javier was sleeping in a pool of his own sweat.

Javier's eyes opened wide, looking so afraid and panicked. He looked around his tent, finding John's face before his emotions got the better of him. "Ay, mi amor.." A soft voice whined out, Javier was crying. "I miss him so much.." His hands covered his face to try to muffle his sobs, Javier didn't cry often but when he did, John just wanted to take away whatever it was that made him cry.

"You—You miss who? Did you have a nightmare?" John's hands stroked the hair on Javier's head, keeping it out of his face.

"I have them all the time—about the day my...partner died."

"Antonio? Ain't that a man's name?"

Arthur was right about John, John didn't care anything about Javier's personal, private life. If anything he seemed genuinely interested in it.

Javier sat up from his bedroll, swallowing the lump in his throat. "Antonio...was Mateo's father. When Mateo was a week old, he died. Antonio was taking care of us because after Mateo was born, I became weak, I could barely get out of bed sometimes. And one day the army found out where we lived. He died so I could run away with Mateo.." Javier chuckled. "He died for me like he said he would. He loved our boy so much.."

John stayed quiet for a second, surely that was something Javier would've mentioned before, that Mateo didn't actually have a mother. Javier had lied but...John could understand why. It was a big thing to admit that he had been involved with a man before, he had even more questions but for now, Javier needed someone reassurance.

"Oh, Javi...Come here." John disliked hugs, but he couldn't just leave Javier to cry like that. John scooped Mateo's sleeping body up and placed him between them so all three of them could snuggle up. His thumbs wiped Javier's tears and wet cheeks. "I-I'm here for you."

"Mateo's name is Mateo Antonio Reyes, because Antonio's last name was Reyes. We just called him Escuella so we could keep our relationship a secret." Javier pushed away, wiping his tears on his hands, "I'm sorry I lied. Arthur knows...but please, don't tell anyone. It's not safe."

"I promise...So who picked the name Mateo?" John was dying to get back to sleep, but it was obvious Javier wasn't gonna be sleeping any time soon.

"Antonio did. We had this conversation, I named the baby if it was a girl, and he named it if it was a boy. I always wanted a daughter but I wasn't upset that we had a boy instead. I would've named it Maria if we had a girl, my sister's name. I just wanna go home, John...Raise my boy where I wanted to."

"So...Mateo is adopted?"

Javier shook his head, that was a conversation he was hoping to never have with anyone except Arthur, but he knew he had to tell John at some point, "No. I have...woman's body. I was born a woman," John's eyes went wide, but he didn't look disgusted like everyone else, "So Mateo is ours. I want to go home.."

He thought about Mexico a lot. When he was little, all the children that would run around in ragged dresses and trousers rolled up to their knees. His town was very poor, but what little they had, the kids made the most of it. They painted rocks and called them marbles, they'd sneak past their parents in the plaza and crawl into the fountains on hot days, or pickpocket the rich snobs and buy some candy.

He remembered his family fondly as a child. His mother did her best to shield her children from the cruelty of the world, but Javier saw too much as a young age. If Javier could do that with Mateo, he would be the luckiest parent alive. He knew already, if Mateo had such a secret like Javier's, about who he loved and who he was, he'd never act the way his own parents did.

"Maybe one day, me, you Mateo will go to Mexico, see your family."

"I hope so. I wanted Mateo to see Mexico, it's a beautiful place, he would love it. When I was younger, I loved playing in the plaza, there's so many people and children. I hoped Mateo would too."

At that moment, Mateo turned over in his sleep so he was laying on his back, arms stretched out over Javier and John. The little boy let out a soft sigh followed by sleepy whines and mumbles. "Even when he's asleep he can't seem to stay quiet." John joked, relieved to see Javier laughing a little.

"Mm...Antonio used to call him 'Mi tesoro', it means my treasure, or 'Mi tesoro hermoso', my beautiful treasure. He loved Mateo more than anything, I never seen Antonio so happy than when he held our son."

"Yeah, babies do that. You can say you hate 'em but when you got one to look out for, you learn to love 'em."

"Do you promise to keep our secret? Mateo...he can't know about Antonio yet."

"I promise. I think it's pretty cool, actually. You look like a man, I totally thought you was one," John thought about his word choice again, "I mean...I thought you were just like that."

"I understand it, don't worry." Both men chuckled quietly, so they didn't disturb the boy still fast asleep between them.

John arms were open wide for Javier to rest his head on his shoulder, with Mateo right between them. He hadn't felt so wanted in two years, he never felt so safe and appreciated than when John hugged him. No one loved Mateo as much as Antonio did, but John was just like him, the way he doted on a boy that wasn't even his. All night he held them both so close and stayed awake till he knew they'd both gone to sleep.