𝐇𝐎𝐍𝐄𝐘𝐁𝐄𝐄, destiel

chapter seven: pressures of intimacy

they couldn't leave each other, not yet. even a night apart felt like too much. they got into cas' bed together, still giggling for a few moments as they got under the covers. silence fell over them as they relaxed in the dark room, but soon enough, dean was shifting to face him directly.

"i'm gonna miss you," his friend whispered. cas couldn't help but groan.

"i don't wanna leave," he whined, getting a soft chuckle in response.

"college does sound kinda cool though," the boy said. "kinda scary, too."

"too scary," he corrected him. dean rolled his eyes.

"what scares you the most?" he asked then, and cas didn't need to think of his answer.

"being alone." not being with you, not being together. "you?"

"the pressure," dean mumbled, his voice quieter than before, then he shifted to look at the ceiling. "there are so many things people expect to do in uni, and they expect you to do it too... i don't wanna do things on someone else's terms." he sighed. "like– i don't wanna seem naive either, i don't wanna go to college knowing nothing about the world, but..." dean shrugged. cas blinked.

"are you talking about sex?" his friend snorted at his words, a little too loud, then turned again to look at him.

"i mean, yeah? but– that's– i meant it like, in general. there's a lot of peer pressure, like, with alcohol and drugs and whatever... but yeah, sex stuff too. definitely sex stuff too." dean laughed for a couple seconds, cas couldn't help but feel amused as well. yet the atmosphere didn't last long, his friend's expression changing to a more serious one as he sighed, looking somewhat conflicted.

almost vulnerable. "i don't wanna be the butt of the joke for not having any experience," he admitted in a whisper. "but i just... i want it to mean something." dean glanced at him, then looked away. "i can't do that with just anyone, i don't wanna be pressured into it."

he repeated his actions, seeming somewhat hesitant, like holding eye contact made him nervous all of a sudden.

"it's cheesy or whatever, but i want love to be involved somehow. trust too," he said, still as quietly. "even if it's not... even if i'm not dating them, i just want it to be out of love, i just–" cas kissed him before he could finish his sentence.

it was brief, it was fast, and dean's eyes looked twice as big when he pulled apart. but not ten seconds later, the brunet was pressing their lips together again.

it was slow, it lasted longer than he thought, and they didn't break apart for more than a couple seconds before they were kissing again.

cas pulled him closer, and dean pushed him to lie down, hovering over him. their mouths kept chasing each other as the brunet caressed his sides, until cas guided one of his hands under his shirt.

the air in the room felt heavier, the bed felt too warm, soft sighs coming out and hesitant hands moving slowly as they kissed. when dean pulled away again, his cheeks were a shade darker, his eyes still widened, and his lips looked slightly swollen from kissing like they would die if they stopped.

"cas," he choked out, chest visibly moving with how heavily he was panting. "is it okay? i wasn't implying– well, i mean, i don't wanna be the one pressuring–"

"it's okay," cas instantly assured, placing his hand over the one on his abdomen and pushing it just a little lower. "you're not."

"i love you. you know that, right?" dean asked, his other hand squeezing at his waist slightly. "maybe we're not like, in love, but– but i still..."

"dean," he cut him off, pulling him closer. their lips connected again, the movements were hungrier this time. and the next time they broke the kiss the brunet attached his lips to his neck.

cas caressed the boy's back, then his chest, then his hands kept moving down. he rejoiced in the feeling of dean hiding his face on his neck, letting out sounds that made his blood boil.

then he was shown exactly why the boy couldn't keep quiet, biting his own lips as he melted into his own sheets. dean hugged him extra tight that night, and in the morning as well.

after he went to his house, though. cas didn't see him again for the rest of that day, both too busy finishing packing to be able to spend time together.

and then the next day came, and dean had to leave. the boy came to his room before leaving, pressing a soft kiss to his lips to say goodbye. cas didn't know it would be the last.

they had promised they would meet again for every break, they would keep in touch. yet when winter break came, dean wasn't there. it wasn't anyone's fault, they didn't communicate so they went in different weeks.

but then dean didn't go that summer either, nor the next winter, so cas didnʼt travel his next break either. still asking his mom if dean had shown up, just to find out that he hadn't.

all the thoughts and fears going through his mind kept growing bigger and bigger.

he thought maybe he pushed too far, maybe he tested his luck beyond what he should have. too many words were left unsaid, and too many lines were crossed without thinking of the consequences. he knew, even back then, that dean wasn't ready for that conversation, and they parted ways before either of them could truly process what they did.

if dean didn't want to see him again, he had no one but himself to blame. he should've known better than getting in bed with his best friend when his heart was in his actions while the brunet had only wanted to venture into intimacy with someone that made him feel safe.

they circled around each other for so long, he should've known better than to offer something while knowing they weren't on the same page. he didn't regret it, he didn't want to forget it, and he didn't hate his own actions. but he wished the outcome would've been different.

he wished the boy would've at least told him directly that he regretted, or disliked it, or whatever he was feeling, so they could go back to being friends. the rejection hurt too much despite never truly being rejected.

heartbreak became unbearable at some point, and so he didn't come back the next break either. this time, he didn't ask if dean did or not. he needed to move on, he needed to let go.

he focused on school, began to socialize more, and lived the college experience. he met new people, tried more things, and explored his sexuality in ways he never could until he felt completely free.

but no matter what, despite distance and time, dean never fully left his mind.

because years could go by and the whole world could change, but his heart was dean's ever since before he could understand what love was. and he knew, despite how much he wished it wasn't the case, that his heart would forever be his.