Ugly Perfections

Chapter 33

Maybe that's my problem.

And the worst part is that I'm fully aware that my sisters maybe didn't deserve it. But I can't bring myself to stay angry as much as I wanted to. That just isn't me.

I guess that makes me pathetic, but it also makes me wonder. Maybe not being me is exactly what I need.

I've always hated the idea. Hated everything about myself so much that I would just wish- I would beg to be anyone other than me.

Beg to what? I never knew.

Just anything. Anyone. Because anything and anyone was better than me. 

Me. Adeline.

The name rotted in my mouth.

And every single time I said something. Anything. Every time I said something stupid or embarrassing and totally unnecessary. In those moments I despised myself. I cursed myself, and my mind and my stupid inability to say something useful. 

Because I found that everything that left my mouth was useless and disappointing. 

Embarrassing.

Perhaps that was letting other people's opinions and perceptions of me win. But after a while of people saying the same cruel judgments. You tend to start believing it.

And unfortunately, that's exactly what I did.

And I hated myself even more for it.

______________________________________________

It's starting to get dark.

 I couldn't help but feel a bit uneasy about walking around by myself, especially after what happened just an hour ago. But I knew I needed this job. I needed it more than anything else. My hands tightened into fists in an attempt to stop them from shaking. 

But they just wouldn't stop.

 Gripping onto my jumper to steady myself, I continued to walk towards the bookshop.

 An old-looking woman was sitting behind the desk, her eyes peering over a pair of glasses as she looked up from her bookkeeping. The sight of the beautiful bookshop instantly brought a smile to my face. 

I had always loved books. Reading was a gift, an escape to different worlds, and I could finish just about any book in one sitting if I really wanted to.

It's really amazing.

Summoning the brightest smile I could manage, I walk up to the woman behind the desk. "Hello, I'm Adeline Ross," I introduce myself. "I sent you a few emails." And by a few, I meant a lot. There was nowhere else. The last resort would be to work at a strip clu-

 I stop myself before completing that thought.

The woman looks at me with a stern expression, raising an eyebrow at my introduction.  More like an inbox flooded with messages," she replies curtly. "Your persistence is quite overwhelming."

I chuckle nervously, feeling slightly embarrassed. "I-I'm sorry um...madam."

The woman's face twitched, clearly irritated. 

Just wonderful. 

"Sorry" I quickly apologise, sensing her annoyance "What...um-what should I call you?"

The woman doesn't lift her gaze from the paper she's writing on. "Ma'am?" I add, hoping for a response.

Finally, she looks up again, her expression stern "Edna will do."