"i jus-" renjun stammered, nails piercing into his pillow as he became frustrated with himself, his phone laid on his mattress, "i cant. i feel so shit. and i- i just- i dont know why. i've never felt like this."
yangyang nodded, as if renjun could hear him, but spoke, "it's okay. i'm here, and it's okay to feel shit," he comforted, "can you be transparent with me? i'm not there so i'm not sure. d'you think you're having a panic attack or anything? how's your chest feeling?"
renjun stayed silent for a moment, taking a deep breath before replying, "n-no. i dont thin- no, i'm not.."
"just tears?"
"mhm."
"okay," yangyang hummed, "take some deep breaths. you're fine. i'm here."
renjun never did things like this when he felt bad.
he usually put himself down, and shrugged the bad feelings away, as he had so much more he could be doing than feeling sad.
yeah, he felt a little stupid breathing heavily, but it helped, and yangyang assuring him sure did feel alot better.
"where are you?"
"i'm in bed," renjun laughed quietly, sadly, "comfy."
"mhm? have you eaten?"
"no," renjun replied, but before yangyang could get another word in, he added, "i have food on the way."
"ahh.." yangyang smiled, nodding, "good. do you wanna talk about anything?"
"no. i dont- i dont know what i woul- no.." renjun gave up, before taking another deep breath.
"it's okay. you dont need to!" yangyang said, making renjun's heart ache more, "we can sit here in silence if you really wanted."
renjun hummed once more, before they did sit in silence for a little while. renjun heard the sounds of birds through his phone, from yangyang's surroundings, and yangyang heard the occasional sniffle.
"i'll ask for the last time-" yangyang started, but before he could ask, renjun spoke,
"what time does practice finish?"
"we'll be done around seven," he responded, "so, three-hours-ish from now?"
"come over when you're done?" renjun said, as a question, but he meant it as a confirmation of permission, "i might be asleep, but jisung and jeno will be awake. they're grinding some video game in the living room or something- i dunno-"
"yeah?" yangyang nodded, "yeah, i will."
more silence as renjun laid with his eyes shut and heart rate going back to normal.
"just. come and sleep with me. i dont mind if you're gone in the morning, or if i dont even realise you arrive," he mumbled, "if you want to."
"alright. d'you want me to wake you up if you're asleep?" yangyang asked, "it might help you sleep better if you know i'm there."
renjun smiled, his heart aching as another tear sprung in his eyes, "i uh- yeah. i think so."
"okay baby," yangyang chuckled sweetly, "are you feeling okay?"
"feeling.. shit," renjun told him, honestly, "but better. thank you."
"i've gotta get back, are you gonna be alright?"
"i'll be okay. i'm gonna watch something. my food will arrive soon, i think."
"m'kay.." yangyang's heart ached at the lack of character in renjun's voice, as he spoke monotonously, "i'll have my phone on me, so text or call me if you need me. kun'll get it."
"i'll wait up for you.."
"yeah?"
"yeah.. i'll try."
"okay junnie, i'll see you later, yeah?"
"sure," renjun smiled, "thank you, love. really. and i'm sorry."
"dont apologise, jun."
"not for- this," renjun added, "for earlier. when i was an asshole."
"yeah, i know," yangyang confirmed, "dont apologise. we can talk about it in person, yeah?"
"...okay."
"you're fine baby," the younger hummed, "really. it was a bad day. i get it."
renjun felt himself well up again, as his chest felt heavy and his heartrate sped up.
yangyang could hear his breathing speed increase too, but said nothing.
"y-yeah-" he breathed out, wiping his eyes, "yeah.. it was bad, i- i'll see you in a bit. i need to sort myself out."
yangyang pouted, but let the boy go. the call ended with brief farewells, before he made his way back up to the practice room.
thirtythree
Start from the beginning
