Nowhere

Chapter 16

I glance at the time on the bottom corner of my laptop. I need to get ready for dinner. The cursor is still blinking on an empty page. A canvas with no ink. Where did my creativity and imagination go? Hours of scribbling and deleting and still nothing worthy of staying on the page. Am I being too harsh on myself? Or is this it? Am I done for? I take a deep breath and close my laptop. Self-pitting will do me no good right now. Maybe dinner is a good idea after all. A quick shower, some light makeup, and my new dress. I think I'm presentable enough. If I walk out like this, I think no one will know that there's a hermit with no social skills lurking under the makeup and the nice dress.

Someone knocks on my door. "Come in."

"Ready to go?" Matt asks as he walks in.

"Almost." I spray perfume behind my ears and on my wrists. "Ready."

"New dress?"

"Oh...yes. From shopping with Monica."

"You look stunning."

My cheeks feel warm, and I look down at my feet. Why am I getting so flustered around him? Why did Brody put weird thoughts in my head? Well... truth be told, the thoughts were already there. He just made it worse. A lot worse. Damn you, Brody.

I glance at Matt and he's wearing black pants and a white shirt with the first few buttons undone. Very simply outfit and yet it fits him perfectly. The shirt hugs his frame in all the right places, showing off his broad shoulders and muscular arms. Why does he look so good? Since when does Matt look this hot? What the hell am I thinking about? Do not look at Matt like that, Aurora Hale. I take a deep breath.

We go downstairs where Garret and Lily are already waiting for us. They made dinner reservations at a seafood place by the beach.

The restaurant is modern, with a minimalist white and beige design. Through the enormous windows we see the ocean as the sun sets and we can hear the waves slowly going back and forward. We get a table with a privileged view. Right by one of the biggest windows. The ocean seems to be just a few meters away from us. It feels like we could almost touch it if we just opened the window.

We all ordered our food and drinks and somehow managed to quickly bypass the initial awkwardness. The three of them are having a very exciting conversation, but I can't help but to stay on the sidelines for a few minutes, just listening, observing them.

Sitting across from Lily, hearing her talk about her plans for her sixteenth birthday, which will be a few days after they leave Rosemary House, makes me think of Dawn. I look at Lily and I see Dawn staring back at me. Eternally sixteen. Lily is still so young. Dawn was so young. An entire life ahead of them, a future full of promises, hopes and dreams. It wasn't fair.

"Do you guys have any gift ideas for sixteen-year-old girls?" Garret asks as soon as Lily gets up to go to the restroom. His question brings me back to reality and I see Lily walking away, not Dawn. Dawn's image slowly fades away and Lily's blond hair and small frame take over.

"What does she like? Does she have any hobbies?" Matt asks.

"Reading. Aurora's books. You don't happen to have a new book coming out right now, do you?"

I chuckle. "I'm afraid not."

"She hasn't asked for anything yet. I really don't know what to get her. She only asked for the dinner and a party with her small group of friends. Nothing else. She said paying for that would be more than enough. And her mother is usually the one that gives her nice expensive gifts."

"Lily sounds like a great kid," Matt adds.

"She is. And this year was rough on her. That's why I want to give her something else. An actual gift. Something she can cherish and keep close to her."

"In one of my books, a father gifts a gold necklace to his daughter before they part ways. A little heart-shaped locket with a rose carved on it. I've noticed that Lily wears some jewellery and I'm sure she'll be happy and understand the reference if you give her something like that."

It's from the book Lily was holding when we met. One of the key memories of the main character is the last time she saw her father and the small locket he gave her. Lily's book seemed quite worn out and like she was very attached to it so. I think she'll immediately understand the reference if Garret can find something like that to give to her. And just like the character in the book, it's something she can always have with her to remember her dad. I wish I had something like that. Something to remember my parents and Dawn. Some sort of amulet I could keep near my heart and hold when loneliness takes over.

"That would be nice." Garret takes note of it on his phone.

"There's a nice jewellery store around here. Double meaning I suppose. If you got it around here where you had your father-daughter holiday," Matt adds.

"Thank you for the help. Next round of drinks is on me." We chuckle.

Lily walks towards the table and we change the subject as fast as we can, making an awkward transition into talking about how delicious the food is and if we'll have space for dessert.

After dinner, the four of us went back together, but Matt and I decide to take a quick walk along the shore to digest before heading to bed.

"Thank you for making me go to dinner tonight. It was actually... extremely pleasant."

"My pleasure."

"And after days of writer's block, I think an idea is sprouting, finally."

"Are you going to share it with me?"

"Not yet," I smirk.

Matt's face looks a little sterner and more serious than usual. I didn't notice it during dinner. I guess since we were amongst other people, he made an effort to look like his usual self, but around me, the mask can just fall.

"Are you okay?"

He stops walking, softly grabbing my hand until I stop too. "Are you going to vanish again?" Matt looks right into my eyes.

"What?"

"This morning. When I woke and you weren't there. For a split second, I felt my heart stop. It made me wonder if you are going to just disappear again one day. Made me think that I'm going to wake up, go downstairs and hear that you grabbed your bags and left without saying goodbye."

"I..."

"Promise me you won't. Promise me you won't just disappear out of the blue again."

Can I promise that? Part of me wants to blurt out, yes, I promise, but part of me is afraid I'll go back to my old patterns. The closer someone gets to me, the further away I go. What if I make this promise to Matt and one day I go back on my word? What if I can't do it? I'm a hypocrite. I don't allow anyone to get close because I'm afraid they'll leave me just like Dawn, but in the end, that's exactly what I'm doing those around me, isn't it?

"I promise." I'll do my absolute best to not go back on my word.

Matt's face softens, and he places a tender kiss on my forehead.