my online lover

change of plan

She was my because.

And now I am full of why.

Present.

Losing someone in my life has had a big impact on me, bringing me to meet the bottom, the worst I could ever be or do. I promised myself that I would never sink so low again. That I would never let anyone break me so much. After my mom, no one could have been important enough to make me feel so weak.

To feel that pain in my chest.

Because I thought my mom would've been the only one I could ever love that much to let my mind lose control. Her promise, the one before she died, I never kept it. I packed it in my head and never brought it back to life because it was so silly for her pretending me to love someone as much as I loved her. Even more.

No, it was just something that right there I couldn't do.

And I still believed that three months ago.

I had a strong opinion of love. I would've found someone and got attached to them, but that's it. My love would've been like caring for a friend, just a bit more. That the love I felt for my mother was the only one that could've been called like that.

Still until three months ago.

Now, I am afraid to fall again. Not as much as I fell for my mom, but still making my life change in a way I can't turn back.

When I realised I loved Kevin, I thought about the promise I made to my mom, but it was still something I took with a grain of salt, not wanting to waste it. Still, hide it in my head and keep it to myself. But now, with me sitting in the same position as I was three years ago, with my hand sunk in an unconscious Kevin's hand, I am lifting my promise.

The little beep is trilling in my ears, making me remember that day like it was yesterday. The rest of the room is silent, probably because no one has the braveness to speak with me.

As we arrived, my dad stopped me before I could yell or do something stupid. He explained that Kevin is out of danger but also that he doesn't know when he might wake up. He lost a lot of blood, and someone noticed him when he was already passed out. The doctors had to remove two bullets from his chest, and he was so lucky because he was shot near his heart but not so much as to risk his life. My dad tried to reassure me the quickest as possible, already knowing what it feels like.

My dad took care of him as soon as he recognised Kevin entering the hospital, and I was grateful he was the one touching him, knowing he would never let something bad happen to him.

Daniele was right behind me when we arrived, and even if my dad was confused about why he was there, he let both of us walk in. And now the investigator is sitting on a chair not so far away from the bed where Kevin lays, silent.

I have cried since I received the news. I am still sobbing, but tears have stopped falling. My forehead pushed down on Kevin's hand.

As I said, nobody has the braveness to talk to me. They know how fragile I may be right now, and I don't want to speak with anyone. But I am aware of what must be done. We have to accomplish the plan. I am just not in the mood to talk about it right now.

«Do you need anything?» Daniele suddenly asks with a dim voice, placing his hand over my shoulder. I don't even flinch when he touches me. I don't move. I shake my head, not even speaking. «You must eat something.»

You're starving, Enede. This is not what your mom wanted from you! I lift my head, swallowing the knot in my throat and place my eyes on Kevin's shut ones. And then I sigh. «Can I just have hot cocoa? I really can't eat anything right now.»