Mastering Your Heart

Chapter 1

"Did you find everything you need today?" I asked brightly.

I knew I wasn't going to get a truthful answer. Does anybody really find what they need at a home improvement store? As if someone can find purpose, or compassion, or love on the shelves beside some weed killer and pvc pipes. After all, it's much easier to fix up a house or a yard than it is to fix ourselves.

I smiled pleasantly at the elderly gentleman who thanked me for his change as he walked away, but my eyes looked past him toward my shift manager. "Can I take my lunch now Greg?"

Who I really wanted to look at, and talk to, was the figure beside Greg.

The new hire.

Everyone still called him that, even though he'd been working with us for almost two months. Nobody really knew anything about him yet, and he seemed to like it that way. I'd learned what I could. Mostly through careful observation.

Kyle was a stock supervisor. He was enormous. Lean, but not lithe. Very little gracefulness about him. Quite frankly, he was awkward. Everything about him was too big. Easily six foot three, with hands that could palm my head.

They both looked up at me. Greg nodded.

I forced myself to turn away, and went toward the break room. It took every bit of my will to not look back to see if Kyle watched me go.

A few minutes later, his shoulders filled the door frame as he walked into the break room.

His nose was beakish. His adam's apple jutted out aggressively in his long neck, bobbing visibly with every swallow. Which only drew my attention to his mouth. He wasn't quick to smile. I'd only seen him do it twice in the time he'd been hired. But when he did, it completely dominated his face.

And his lips. Specifically his bottom one. It was plumper than most anyone's I knew. The kind that Hollywood starlets aimed for with fillers.

Kyle went straight to the soda machine, his broad back to me, and began feeding money into it. The bill slot rejected his dollar. He sighed softly and rolled shoulders. His long hair flopped around and he ran his hand through it, pushing it back from his eyes. I realized he kept his hair that way because his ears stuck out. The tips protruded through his dark, thick waves despite his attempt at hiding them.

A can finally thunked out. He remained facing the machine as he popped it open and took a long swig.

I kept staring at his backside, trying to figure out the puzzle he was, and the muddled feelings I had whenever he was near me.

Some people might compare a guy like him to an oversized puppy dog. But none of his physical characteristics came together in my mind that way. While gangly, Kyle wasn't a boy who hadn't grown into himself yet. He was in his mid twenties and I'd heard he was an ex-Marine. There was nothing naive, or over-eager about him. He was definitely a fully grown man.

And while his body might be extroverted, whatever he'd experienced in it, had made his personality more introverted.

It had been a long time since I'd had a crush on anyone. They were not a common occurrence for me. This odd sensation pressing upon me everyday reminded me a bit of that ancient phenomenon. This crush was aptly named because I didn't feel light or happy about it like I had with my other ones. In truth, this crush worried me.

Kyle finally turned around, and looked directly at me. One eyebrow cocked.

I shifted my head down to hide my curiosity and the slight blush I felt heating my cheeks. My gaze landed on his feet and I contemplated them too.

I'd have to guess his shoe size was at least a fourteen. When I let my eyes move on from his work boots, they trailed up along his strong legs while he ambled towards a chair. As he folded himself into it, I noted how his thighs filled the seat. He stretched out his legs for one minute before pulling them back up so they wouldn't block the aisle, even though nobody else was in the room with us.

It must be uncomfortable to always have to shrink yourself for others so they wouldn't feel uncomfortable around you.

The opposite was true for me. My entire existence had been spent trying to make myself seem bigger and better than I was. If I could shine myself up enough, be perfect enough, be agreeable enough, then maybe I'd attract the right kind of attention and things in my life would improve. That's how I'd gotten a scholarship for college.

Some of our coworkers still felt wary around Kyle anyway. The words "intense" and "odd" whispered amongst them. He hadn't won any fans with his brusqueness. A couple of the women had attempted to flirt with him, only to be rebuffed. While some of the guys had invited him to join their bar league basketball team, no doubt for his height alone, and been disappointed by his disinterest.

The only feature that was naturally small about him were his hazel eyes. Or maybe they were average sized, just not on him. Hooded, deep set and piercing when he chose to aim them at you. The singular time I'd experienced their laser focus on me, was when we were introduced to each other on his first day at work.

While our manager continued to chatter on about policy and procedures, Kyle shook my hand and stared at me for so long, that I broke eye contact first. I looked down at my tiny, sweaty hand in his giant, dry one and felt my stomach flutter as he finally let go. I still wasn't sure what had happened in that moment.

Maybe he was trying to connect my face with my name, as I'm sure he'd met so many folks that day it would be easy to mix people up. Since we wear name tags on our work vests, and mine clearly said the memorable mouthful of my legal name Rayanne-Rose, that didn't make much sense. Perhaps it was an intimidation tactic. But I don't know why he'd need to go all alpha-male on me. Then it dawned on me.

Wolffish!

That was the word that best described him. He was not a puppy dog. He was a big, hopefully-not-bad, wolf. I chuckled at the realization.

"What's so funny Rayanne-Rose?" his deep baritone interrupted my thoughts, making me jump in my seat.

I tried to swallow the partially chewed raw carrot in my mouth and coughed a little as it went down the wrong way. "Excuse me?"

"I asked what was funny?" He leaned forward in his seat, elbows on knees.

"Oh, um... it was... nothing..." I stammered. Then I added. "My friends call me Rosie."

Kyle grimaced. "I doubt it was nothing." He stood up and stepped toward me. Then he leaned down, placing his palms on the table in front of me, bringing his head closer. "Can I call you Ray?" Eyes narrowed. "Well?"

I resisted the urge to lean back in my chair. Instead I sat up straighter and met his gaze.

I said, "My what big teeth you have!" before I lost my nerve.

In a flash, his countenance entirely transformed. A smile split his face, showing off all of his bright white teeth, framed by laugh lines. His eyes disappeared entirely as his lids crinkled shut. "So then I guess you see past my disguise Little Red. Shall I eat you now?" He plucked up one of my carrot sticks and popped it into his mouth.

I cocked my head watching him chew then swallow. Adam's apple bobbing.

"Depends..." My voice stayed steady while my heartbeat raced. I knew there were sexual connotations to what he'd just proposed.

"On what?" he scoffed. Then pulled out the chair across from me.

The words tumbled out before I could stop them. "On how our first date goes."

He sat down and nodded. "Does Friday night work for you?" His phone out of his pocket now, he slid it across the table to me.

I picked it up and began entering my number in as Little Red into his contacts. "Sure. Seven o'clock."