my online lover

mom

We again are not seeing each other a lot, but I am still here for you

I am fine, I had a long night but I was with my dad

And in some hours I'll go to her and have my usual talk

Kevin will be with me

Tonio

Okay, lemme know if I can help

Love you, Antonio

I feel bad to have chosen Kevin over Antonio to go to my mom but the decision was more on the safe side that the sentimental one. I need Kevin if something bad could happen to me, not because I need him. He can deal with my bad moments, so that helps, but if I wasn't in danger every second of my life, I would have chosen Antonio. He knew my mom, he loved her. He came with me the first time. He knows what I look like after a chat with her. Antonio is used to but I always wanted to do this alone and now I am just using Kevin as a chauffeur. The emotional support will be only if I need it. I put down my phone to bit my food again and sip the coffee and my eyes meet the little photo we have of our family together hanging against the wall, right in front of me. My heart aches and tears threaten to come out. I could ask Antonio to come over and stay with me until I go away, but I am pretty sure he is at University and I don't want him to drop it for me. I know he would do it and I would feel bad to have pushed him to leave lessons for my paranoid mind. I deeply breathe in and out and pick up my phone again, checking Kevin's texts.

Kevin

Good Morning

How do you feel today?

I had to sleep with my dad because I couldn't do it alone

Kevin

I don't like this... how do you feel now? Is he with you?

No, I am alone...

Can you come?

Kevin

Sure, I'll be there soon

Thank you

I quickly end my breakfast, cleaning the table and putting away all the things I used. I leave the room, reach mine and think if I want him to come inside or let him wait outside. The problem is that I need someone in the house with me or I need to leave it. I feel blurred today like something is off in me and I can't stay alone. For how much I would've loved my dad to stay, he had to go to work. Kevin is my last ship and now I have to decide whether to let him come or not. I'll think about it while I get ready but as soon as I picked my clothes and head to the bathroom, my phone buzzes.

I left it in the kitchen, so I go back there and check. It's Kevin and he is here. I snort, doing a deep breath. I text him back warning him that I am about to open the doors and where my floor is. I nervously wait for him behind my door, smashing my clothes against my chest and tapping my foot against the floor.

I saw his house. Why should it be bad for him to see mine? He also saw Antonio's. It's okay if he is here.

When the doorbell rings, I wince and take the door handle and open it. As soon as I see him, I feel less anxious about being alone in the house. He smiles at me and I move aside to let him in. I stay quiet as he passes me and peer a look around. The house may not have the modern style as his, but it still has a very minimalist touch because my father preferred it like this. There are some walls green because my mom wanted colour around her. That's why there are plants placed randomly around. My dad never stopped keeping the house the way my mom would love to.