You're Already A Sin // Minsung

Two

Tuesday. Inside. Day. Minho.

Lunch is a quiet affair but Minho enjoys this too, sometimes, to have the table in the corner by the window to himself and his earbuds in, only smiling at other trainees and idols waving at him. Most of them are younger and far too respectful to approach him like that, and the older ones know how valuable alone time is in their business.

"Hi, hyung."

Jisung appears from one moment to the next, and Minho startles so much that he drops the spoon he just used to finish his pudding cup. Jisung cracks a grin and sits down without asking if he's okay to disturb. Jisung never needed to ask and Minho is glad he doesn't.

"You escaped?"

Jisung laughs, nodding. "They're working on Track 49 again, and I swear they always get in a fight when they try to make that song happen."

"Chan-hyung still wants that weird fridge sound in there?"

Jisung bursts out laughing. "I think by now he only insists because of how crazy it makes Binnie."

There's a joke sitting on Minho's tongue, about Chan and Changbin being like a married couple, but he swallows it down. A few weeks ago he wouldn't have thought twice about it. But now Jisung might hear that joke and think about that moment between them, and he might bring it up again, and Minho doesn't know how he can refuse him a second time.

It's not that Minho can't feel Jisung's gaze on him. Not only here, today, but at other times too. When he gets quiet and crawls back into his own head. Or when he gets excited, like a kid on a sugar high. Gazes thrown at him when he's shouting and jumping and suddenly coming in for a hug. Long looks when he's sitting across the room and everything's so quiet around them it feels like they're not even real. It's the intensity of it he can't deal with. It's the thought that if he turns around now and meets that gaze, he won't be able to step back from this. Might not remember all the reasons he said no in that hotel room.

They talked about the moment in the hotel. Briefly. Once.

"I'm sorry," Jisung said, when they were sitting in the back of a van driving them to a schedule, and it was just them and a staff member in the front.

Minho shrugged because he didn't know what else to do. "It's okay."

"Is it?" Jisung asked and Minho didn't know if he meant to ask "Is it okay that I reacted to your touch as if I wanted you to fuck me right there?" or "Is it okay if we do that again?"

Minho knew the answer to both these questions. But it's an answer he keeps deeply locked in himself.

"Don't think about it," he said in the end, flippantly, and Jisung's disappointment rolled off of him in waves so thick Minho could feel that too.

It's been weeks now since Jisung got it into his head that he might like men too. Or maybe not men, maybe Minho specifically.

Minho knows he would get an answer if he asked. He and Jisung, they always worked without the deep conversations, the long drawn out three-am discussions he knows Jisung has with Hyunjin and Seungmin because he can do them if needed. But he and Jisung, they never needed them, so Minho knows he could ask, but he doesn't want to. Is too scared of the answer.

He wonders if Jisung talked to anyone else about it. Confessed his feelings to someone like Felix, who would listen and hold him and not judge. Who would tell him that it was okay (of course it's okay, they all know that).

Next to him, Jisung sighs and then leans his head against Minho's shoulder like he's done thousands of times. Minho manages not to tense. And then the guilt rushes through him, almost unrecognizable in the relief it's covered in. And there's longing too, but that one is old, faded with age.