ᴛʜᴇ ᴛʀᴏᴜʙʟᴇᴅ ᴄʜɪʟᴅ

how i fell

november 20

the bugs outside croak in synchronization as i lay my guitar down on the floor of billies room. she lays hers down as well, and i allow myself to linger over the piano in her room.

"can you play," she ask, trying to get me to talk to her id supposed.
i really don't speak as much anymore, don't say my usual joking remarks, or try to annoy billie in some way, i just let her fill the room with her words as she practically talks to herself.

"somewhat" i respond, messing with the keys before sitting next to her laying body, "never got around to taking it seriously."
"why," billie says, i stare at the blankets on her walls.

a deep part of me aches to read more, to navigate through the darkest parts of her mind but that second half of me couldn't bear the screams.
couldn't bear the overwhelming despair leaking from each word, and even now i still hear the muffled sound of them.

"my mom was teaching me but" i trails off, shrugging as the room gets quiet.
my eyes are low, lips in a rather permanent frown as i think about the bag of pills shimmied in between my bed frame and mattress.
id found it after finally deciding to clean my room and it made my heart drop, the sight of them already taking me to that place i oh so adored.

truthfully i'd been dying to find a time to take them, but every day it seemed billie was on my agenda, making me forget all about those pills.

"i'm gonna go, okay? really tired." i finally say, rising as i grab my skateboard.
the clock read two am and the thought of sitting on my grass, high off my mind was the only thing i could think of.

"stay," billie says, her soft hands tugging on mine.

billie knew i wasn't quite adept with sleeping near anyone, especially in the same bed, which is why i am tossing my head back with a very long sigh.

i look down at her, so pretty wrapped up in her sheets, her eyebrows softly furrowed, "billie you know how i feel about that."
she clutched my hand tighter, "i know, but it's dark and i don't want you walking alone— it's just me astrid, i would never hurt you."

as her thumb rubs the back of my hand, her eyes boring into mine, i can't help but admire the essence of billie. she was so beautiful, and i was so— not.
how was it she was laying there with my hand in hers?

eventually, after the long silence, i am reluctantly taking off my coat before laying next to her. billie gives me space, her back hitting the wall as i mirror the space between us.

in the red of her room, the blue in her eyes is still distinct, the faded blue in her hair, brighter and fallen perfectly in front of her freckled face.
something about the way her lips glow in this light, something about the way she's looking at me, too mesmerizing, too beautiful.

i can't bear the sudden feeling of quiet in my chest, hollow, empty, and gaping as billies lips part.
how was one so beautiful? so graceful with everything she did, from her singing to simply just laying in front of me.

the glistening of her eyes allowed my heart to simply drop, this feeling does not feel like it has just been dropped into a pit of nothingness, not dark and scary and alone.
this feels as if my heart has been delicately placed into the fresh blossom of a flower, sprouting from the depths of a dark earth below.

i let out an exhale, eyes beginning to sting as the thought of this feeling crosses my mind.

"you okay," billie says, i hum too quickly in reply.

suddenly i am leaning in slowly, kissing billies lips for the first time since that day. her lips immediately take me in, and somehow they're more delicate than before.
almost like gliding my lips across silk, billies lips are more than lips.

i pull away as billie tucks my twisted hair behind my ear, her fingers then gliding under my jawline before she pulls away.

"you're so pretty," she says, and unexpectedly i allow the warmth to dance upon my cheeks.
"thank you," i say hesitantly.

billie raises her eyebrows before responding "you're very welcome ivy."
again, my chest is empty, simply echoing as i say "come here."

billie softly smiles before scooting into me, her head immediately resting in the crook of my neck "can i touch here" she says reaching over me to tap the middle of my back.

"yeah," i say quietly. 

my shirt is thin, i can feel her arms slither around me as i breathe in her vanilla scent.
slowly, i wrap my arms around her waist, my chin resting on top of her head.

"is this fine," she asked me, "you feel okay?"

i hum, nodding as i clutch her tighter. billie giggles, "don't squeeze all the air out of me."

i giggle as well "okay"

i want to pause time.
pause time and stay here in this bliss with billie forever. i want to feel her hands trace circles repeatedly, for a hundred years and more.
i want to feel my heart beat at our kiss, i want to feel that hollow feeling in my chest when i look in her eyes and realize i'm in love with this beautiful girl.

i just want to stay in her arms forever.

"your is heart beating very fast," she says, i can hear the smirk on her face.
"shut up billie" i respond.

billie laughs "are you nervous?"

"no," i say "i'm not"
billie hums "sure ivy, sure."

i only chuckle.

maybe i was beginning to overthink, to ruin a sweet moment like this one but i had a tendency to think of the negative of everything.
now, i was thinking of how the nostalgia for this moment has already set in my bones and i can feel myself missing it.

and i want to be able to stop myself from thinking of this negatively but i feel that i won't win that game.
so with that, i realize billie will look at this moment in the future and think "what had i done wrong?"

because i will agonize this memory, taint it with my darkness as i walk away from her.
though i don't want that to happen, i know it will and i know i will not be billies "pretty girl" any longer.
i will be the person who hurt her, the person who couldn't pick her over a tiny pill.

in the future, i know i will not be billies, but billie will be mine.  and as i hold this moment dear to my heart i'll think of how this will be the closest to love if ever get, and i'll be thankful someone even gave my sorry ass a chance.

1172 words