Classless

Chapter 16 - Without Words

“You are young.” He said it so calmly and robot like that I thought I had imagined our entire intimacy this night.

“How old are you?”

“Old enough” He cracked his knuckles.

“Go to hell Chief. I bet Rwan would not mind being a waiting bride or wife or whatever it is called.” I muttered.

He laughed, “No, she wouldn’t.”

We sat in silence, I knew my heart was breaking and there was nothing I could do about it, “You don’t intend on getting married!?”

“I don’t want to condemn anyone to that life.”

“What if they wouldn’t mind traveling and seeing the world with you? That’s another alternative.” I answered.

His eyes sparkled with hope as he looked at me, “Is that something you’d be open to?”

“No.” I pretended that I had not imagined what it’d be like to travel the world with him. It was opposite the life I wanted and had sworn I wanted for myself.

He groaned. I sighed, “Why did you have to bring this up?”

“I had to, before one of us got seriously hurt.”

I scoffed, “Me?”

“I could get hurt.”

“I’m already hurt.” I responded. I hated that my tears betrayed me, it wasn’t his fault, I knew that but this hurt, he was right. If we had fooled ourselves for longer, it would have been hell. “I cannot believe it’s only been nearly a month and this…” I threw his Jacket at him.

“Fedor .. “

“No, please no. I don’t … “ What? What don’t I want? I knew this day was coming but nothing has prepared me for this. Oh God! What was the point of all those yoga lessons, I have no center! Chief had come into my life like a bulldozer and broken my carefully arranged walls, I had fooled myself into thinking that I was strong enough. I stood and made my way to my house.

“Fedor…” Chief sounded like he was in pain, I turned around and looked at him.

I wiped my tears with the back of my hand. “I know you are right, you did the right thing. We needed to have this conversation so we understood each other. I know chief, I get it. I have my demons too, thank you for tonight. It was the best night of my life. I have no regrets. I am happy I got to know and see you this way, I don’t handle emotional pain well so I’m going to go now. See you later.”

I turned to go inside but chief had kissed me, desperately. I could feel everything he wanted to say through this kiss and worse of all, I could feel his goodbyes. I clung unto him as well, greedy and taking everything I could from him. “Goodnight Cali.”

He watched until I got into my apartment, I crumbled and cried like I never had before. Was this a glimpse of what my parents felt for each other? Will it ever get better? It felt like my heart had been sliced into two, what was worse was that there was no one to blame except ourselves. Could I really give up my dream for a man I just met? There was no way. I knew more than anyone else that love could not stand alone, I watched my parents destroy each other even when they had been crazy about each other once. If I risked it all, there’ll be only me to blame when I wanted more. I couldn’t do that to myself and to him, this was the right call.