Classless

Chapter 16 - Without Words

“Not now. Not yet, I’m not ready.” I wasn’t either, his hands went up my naked back and wandered leisurely, I laid on his chest and noticed the tension melting. I heard the active beat of his heart and smiled in contentment.

“I could get used to this.” I whispered.

He chuckled, “Aye, me too.” I noticed his voice had grown deeper with his accent thicker.

“You must have lived in the United Kingdom for a while?” I asked, I wanted to know more about this man.

His hand went to my hair as he played with my curls, “Yes, in one of the remaining old lands. I was born on the Isle of Mull; I don’t remember much about the place. I left there with my mother when I was eight after my father died. She didn’t talk much about him, I always wondered if it was from the pain or if he wasn’t memorable enough.”

I nodded in understanding, “Did you ever ask?”

“It was too late by the time I summoned the courage to. She was a traveler and was barely around, she traveled the world and brought me toys whenever she dropped which was usually around Christmas or the new year. As a boy, I looked forward to those times like Santa was coming.” His hand lazily danced on my back.

“Where were you?”

“Rwan’s father was a good friend of my mother. I thought he might have had a thing or two for her but no one could compare to the seas for her. Despite the class difference, he was graceful towards us and treated me like a son. Somehow, that made it worse because it made me conscious of how I acted and I tried to be of good behavior so that I would be worthy of his care.” He chuckled like it was funny.

“I failed at that though,” He continued. “I got good grades at school but I also got into fights, I was an angry kid and an even worse teenager. Even when he scolded his children, he never forced his hands when it came to me and so I rebelled more, trying to see the extent of his kindness. Then my mother died and all that came of her was a parcel containing her ashes, no letters for me, no keepsake, nothing. My mother was nothing but ashes.” His body went rigid against me, I patted his lower back.

“Out of curiosity, I tried the seas to see what my mother had loved more than her son and I fell for her immediately. I could understand her at that moment, what it meant to be free of the invisible shackles that held me bound. That was the last time I had fallen deeply for anything before you. Look at me Fedor.”

“I don’t know what you want and I am not sure I am capable of giving you what you need. I love the seas, there’s so much more to discover and see. I don’t want to give you false promises, I need you to know what you’d be getting into if we were to explore what we have.” That was enough for my walls to go up and my doubts to stand like soldiers training for war. I stood up from his legs and this time he allowed me, the cold barely registered but Chief had wrapped his Jacket around my shoulders, I sat beside him and looked up at the sky.

“Freedom. Can anyone be truly free?” I asked.

He sighed, “No, but it is possible not to be held down.”

I gave him a look, “You have thought this through, haven’t you? You don’t want anyone to be waiting on land for you like you did your mother. You don’t want to have to satisfy other people’s expectations like your foster family, I want different things.” I choked up at the last part and looked back at the moon. “I might pretend that I don’t care for love but I do. I might give up on love but I can’t give up on stability, I can’t and I won’t. Instinctively, we knew we wanted different things from life and that’s why we dreaded this conversation, I’ll admit, you are the single most attractive man I’ve ever met and the things you make me feel, I am terrified that I might never feel the same way with anyone else.”