I've been so overwhelmed.
Everything is just so extremely overwhelming.
I finally smoked,
Not because I wanted to stop feeling the pain, but because I wanted to silence the thoughts.
I've realized my whole life that I've been living with voices in my head.
The voices can be loud or quiet but the voices will be heard.
The voices are so loud that I can't hear my reality.
The voices are so loud that I can't hear the crickets.
The only way to silence the voices is by writing and that's the only thing that I've learned.
I have to keep writing to tire the voices in my head.
They keep me up at night and I can't sleep.
I used to smoke to sleep but I was smoking just to free myself.
I realized that I don't need to smoke to be free.
There are many things in life that set you free.
Doing what you love and spending your time with family makes you free.
I had so much anger built up inside of me.
I never knew how to let go of the voices until the voices finally set me free.
It's been 10 days since I smoked.
In these 10 days I've realized many things about myself.
I can be a whore for weed,
I can be a bitch to those I love,
I can be a bitch to myself,
I need to stop being so serious all the time,
I need to learn tolet things go,
I need to learn that everything will be okay,
I need to reassure myself,
I need to tell myself that I'm enough,
And I need to tell myself that I'm not a fool.
I'm not crazy,
I'm not psycho,
I'm not schizophrenic,
I just hear voices and that's completely fine.
Everyone hears voices in their head whether it's 1 or 3.
The voices can be loud sometimes but I need to remind them to shut the fuck up!
I need to tell them to shut up!
If I don't learn to silence the voices,
Then the voices will get the best of me.
It's 5:01 am and I want to fucking sleep.
But I still can't sleep why can't I sleep.
My head hurts and my brain is fried but I still can't sleep.
It's the smoking that keeps me up not that helps me sleep.
It's the smoking that calms the demons inside of me.
I realized that with the power of writing I can get over anything.
That's why I'm scared of writing,
I don't feel like I deserve to live a life that's problem free.
With the power of my words I can set myself free.
I need to take accountability for myself and my past.
I need to accept the things I cannot change.
I need to be okay with a little pain
You know what they say no pain no gain.
I realized that when I use my voice, I can set myself free.
