redemption || josh kiszka

4

josh

Guilt was an all-too familiar feeling for me now.

It was hard to name at first, because it was an all-the-time thing. It didn't just come out of the blue, or only when I was thinking about her - It was all the time.

I was shocked when my therapist put a name to the constant uncomfortableness in my chest. I was expecting depression, maybe anxiety, because of its reliably constant nature, but no. It was guilt.

The guilt and I turned out to be great friends. We learned to live with each other very quickly, and adapted to each other's ways. However, guilt was just a thought in the back of my head, now; A feeling in the pit of my stomach. Still there, but so much less.

Recently, it has crept back into my entire being.

Especially now, standing in front of the girl I could very much love one day, green eyes wide and hair in her face. Her brown curls were something I had always liked most about her. Tears were evident as they welled, brimming her lids.

Guilt.

We leave for California in three days. I've been putting off the conversation with Clementine, but three days beforehand is already such a dick move that I couldn't put it off any longer, no matter how much I wish I could.

Three days until I see her.

"Yes, I heard." Clementine already knew where this was going. "Of course I did."

Her tone was sad, and just a tad confused. Such a smart girl, she knew where this is going already.

"I thought you might've." I leaned my back onto the island in her kitchen, crossing my arms and my feet simultaneously. A position of defense I hadn't even realized I was assuming.

"So, is Jake going?" She asked, not wanting to make eye contact. "What about Danny and Sam?"

Her soft voice was music to my ears. I'd miss it while I'm gone.

I sighed, preparing for the impending argument that was about to unfold. "Everyone is going."

I ripped off the bandaid, watching Clementine's face for any kind of evidence of anger.

Never anger, only distrust. "Everyone?"

"Yes." I nodded, trying to make sure she got the point. She did. She was silent, pondering what she would say next, if anything. She goes quiet when she gets upset.

Her lip twisted between her teeth and she still refused to really look at me.

"Clem," I started, entering the hardest part of the conversation. "This could mean-"

"I know what it means." She snapped, finally piercing my own eyes with hers. I was taken aback by her startling change in mood, now looking angry, finally.

I couldn't hold the eye contact and looked down at the floor. "I'm sorry."

"I can't compete. I never could."

"That is absolutely untrue." Lie. "I just wanted you to know that I'm going, and that it could mean some old scars might be ripped back open, and some old feelings could get in the way." I was trying to be as honest as possible with her, not wanting to string her along when there is obviously a possibility of our relationship ending while I'm away.

"Why are you even going, Joshua?" I cringed at the use of my full name. "If the scars have been healed, and the old feelings are suppressed, why do you care so much as to go to California to support the woman who treated you like absolute shit? To support the woman who disappeared on you and told you she never wanted to see you again?"