She's my world

2

True to her word, Aeri had looked through the books that she had at home to see what she could donate to the book exchange. She decided on a book that she had purchased a while back but never got around to reading.

A few nights later, she walked to the book exchange with the book, stopping in her tracks as she noticed a familiar car parked a little up the street, with a young girl sat in the passenger seat.

"Aeri?"

She turned to find Yizhuo stepping onto the sidewalk behind her.

"Hi," Aeri said in surprise, holding up the book. "I brought a book like I promised."

Yizhuo smiled, and walked over, taking the book from Aeri. "The Firemaker, by Peter May," she raised an eyebrow. "Have you read it?"

"No, but it's been on my bookshelf for a while. I'd like to read it, so I figured if I donate it, maybe I'll be tempted to read it if I see it in the exchange later. Who knows, maybe someone will end up highlighting sections of it, that seems to be a thing if the book I'm reading is anything to go by."

Yizhuo nodded, and looked at the back cover. "Hmm."

Aeri looked nervous for a second. "Hmm? What's wrong with it?"

Yizhuo shook her head. "No, no, it's fine. I just noticed that it's another murder mystery. I'm thinking we don't want too much darkness in the book exchange. But it's okay, there are other books that even it out."

Aeri gave a hesitant half-smile, which caused Yizhuo to reach out and touch Aeri's arm reassuringly. "It's okay, Aeri. It looks like a good book. Thank you for bringing it."

Aeri nodded, and looked down at Yizhuo's hand, before Yizhuo swiftly removed it.

"How's the Rizzoli and Isles book going?"

Aeri's eyes lit up. "I had no idea how good the books would be. It's weird how different they are from the show, but at the same time, it just works. It's an amazing read so far."

Yizhuo nodded. "I've read a few of the Rizzoli and Isles ones, she's a great writer."

Aeri looked around, not sure what to say.

Yizhuo broke the silence. "You know, I once read a quote about books that stuck in my mind. I can't remember who said it, but the quote was: Books are mirrors, you only see in them what you already have inside you."

"So, what does that mean? We're all homicide detectives?"

Yizhuo laughed. "I'm not sure. But it sounds good. What I take from it, is the belief that we get so engrossed in books because parts of ourselves... we can see that in the characters, and we feel less alone. We're surprised to see people share our thoughts, our feelings, and our pain."

Aeri nodded. "Maybe."

"How've you been?" Yizhuo asked.

"I'm doing okay, I guess. The book's helping me take my mind off of Jimin for a little while each night."

Yizhuo gave Aeri a small smile. "See. It'll get easier."

Aeri pointed to the car. "Is that your daughter waiting on you?"

Yizhuo looked over and waved at her daughter, who was watching the exchange via the side mirror. "Yeah, that's Eunchae."

Aeri observed the girl. "She's older than I imagined. Is she a good kid?"

"I was only 16 when I had her. But she's the best thing that's ever happened to me," Yizhuo said, smiling that infectious smile again that always reached her eyes and made Aeri smile back.

"Well, I don't want to keep you," Aeri explained.

"Where were you headed?" Yizhuo asked.

"Oh," Aeri said, looking down and playing with her sleeve. "Nowhere really."

Yizhuo narrowed her eyes. "The bar?"

Aeri raised an eyebrow. "Excuse me?" She asked, irritation evident in her voice.

"I'm sorry. That came out wrong," Yizhuo said, her eyes momentarily flicking to Eunchae.

"Where do you get off? You don't know me, Yizhuo. You don't get to do that."

"Aeri, honestly, I'm sorry," Yizhuo said, before her phone interrupted the conversation. She held one finger up to Aeri to tell her to wait and pressed the accept call button. "Jennie? Can I call you back in two minutes?"

Aeri's stance softened slightly. "Jennie? Kim Jennie?"

Yizhuo nodded.

"How do you know Jennie?" Aeri asked, anger still visible on her face.

"She's my best friend. Is that a problem?" Yizhuo asked.

Aeri shook her head. "No. She's friends with my sister."

Yizhuo looked confused. "Who's your sister?"

Aeri scoffed. "Not that it's any of your business."

Yizhuo swallowed. "Of course not. Nothing's my business apparently," she held up the book. "Thanks for this, I'll put it back once I've read it. Maybe if I see you around, I'll let you know what I thought?"

"That's it?" Aeri said.

"That's it. I'm done with this. My daughter's waiting," Yizhuo said, before walking past Aeri and towards her car.

Aeri stood on the sidewalk, a crease on her forehead as she tried to figure out what had just happened.

Her anger stopped her from going to the bar, which if she was honest with herself, was where she was headed; and that's why Yizhuo's words had stung so much.

Instead she decided to return home, read some more of the book, and have a cup of tea.

-

Aeri found herself being distracted from the book every now and again, her eyes drawn to the bottle of bourbon that she had sitting on top of her drink's cabinet. She got up and made another tea, but she felt the pull of the alcohol in the pit of her stomach. She craved it. She knew the warmth of the liquid would help her unwind, stop the distractions. But she also still had Yizhuo's words swirling in her mind. To the bar?

Aeri didn't know exactly what made her react the way she did. It was a combination of how little Yizhuo knew her but at the same time how well she seemed to know her. Aeri had always thought she was managing, that she was brave enough. All the times she had thought that she wasn't enough, the amber liquid running down her throat and warming her body made her feel like she could be. She thought back to the other times that she had been called out for her drinking... by Krystal, by her mother, by Jimin. She knew they were right. But she buried it down low, like she was used to doing. She locked her issues away, put others first. She'd always done that. Others first, Aeri last. She didn't want to admit that she was weak, that she had another flaw. She was supposed to be the protector, not the one to need protection.

But then her thoughts returned to Jimin. She thought of Jimin breaking through to her, forcing other feelings into the open. A secret that, like the alcoholism, she buried down for years, not wanting to be a disappointment, and not wanting to put herself first. She thought of her happiness afterwards, how nothing came crashing down like she thought it would. How it was okay to be different, to express feelings to people. Maybe she didn't have to lock this one down either.

Before she knew it, she'd given into the urge, poured a glass and was sitting in tears on her couch, alone.

Disappointment filled her veins along with the warmth of bourbon. Disappointment that she was not perfect, that the strong woman she projected to the world had cracks, that she was broken. But she wouldn't show that to many people. She couldn't.

After a while, exhaustion took over her, and she lay down on couch and slept.

-