make a shadow (b.e.)

this is me trying

I've been having a hard time adjusting...

Billie's POV:

"You seriously have no concerns about the person you're becoming?"

Tears fall and seconds later dry on my cheeks in the California sun. She doesn't hate me, it's something worse than that: she's disgusted by me.

It's times like this I think of my parents, fuck, do I miss them. But underneath that is hate and resentment, that of all the people they chose as an alternate guardian, they chose her. I resent them for not making me go to school, for teaching me I could become whoever I wanted, only to leave me with the woman that believes the exact opposite things they did.

"I don't care what you say, I know who I am," I refuse to let my aunt hurt me.

She turns in a little circle while clutching my arm, smiling and waving at all of her fake church friends. She puts on the greatest show, and is constantly disappointed that I don't allow her to use me to gain pity. After all, she graciously allowed me into her family when they died, after she already had built a family. I'm the one that's fucking hurt, but the only emotion I'm allowed to express is gratitude.

She drags me away from the picnic, into the church, into the church bathroom, pulling a dress out of her bag.

"I set this out for you to wear, and you chose that?" she looks down at my baggy button up shirt and pants with distaste.

"Shouldn't my comfort come first?" I risk it and smile as I say it.

She doesn't return the favor, instead pulls my shirt over the top of my head, suffocating me for a few seconds as I refuse to take it off. But defiance swiftly becomes defeat once I accept there's no scenario in which I could escape this encounter. Then she's on the floor, tugging down my pants, and there's no sun within the walls of this place. I let the tears fall as my last and only act of defiance, while she's pulling the yellow sundress over my sunburnt shoulders. The friction burns as does her gaze.

She turns me to face the mirror with her grip on my shoulders and smiles at her creation. She pinches my cheeks and I'm turning red.

"There. Beautiful."

I couldn't look more ugly, her perfect blank slate. I wanna draw all over me and she wants me to be empty, waiting for a man that's never coming to fill me up and make me just like her.

"Don't you think you look beautiful, Billie?" She searches for my confirmation, her fingers tilting my chin up to look at her.

"No. I hate myself. That's what you wanted, right?" I snap then immediately flee the bathroom, my clothes in hand.

I run outside and down the block, aiming for the bus stop downtown before my aunt can catch up to me. But I know she's gotten tired of chasing.

I've tried to run away three times, but it doesn't really work if you have no money and your aunt won't let you get a job because then you'll have money and successfully run away. I steal whenever I can and hide it in safe places. My favorite way to steal is out of the church donation basket; my aunt gives me cash to put in, and with a careful slight of hand, I take out as I put in.

So when I run away, I know I'm never actually going anywhere, I know I'll be coming right back, but it feels good to run. To hold onto the hope that one day I'll make it far, far away from this place.

I've collected 79 dollars from the good old church, hoping I could make this last at least a week away from home. I call up my fuck buddy, Julia, as soon as I make it to the bus stop. I only really see her when I run away myself, cause she made a few rules where she won't come and pick me up, but if I make it to her door, she'll let me in.