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Primrose

Awoken by the sound of shoveling, I wearily stand up from the sofa I've been sleeping on ever since I returned to district twelve. No matter how hard I try, I can't convince myself to use my bedroom. Memories of sleepless nights and nightmares are too painful to bear at the moment.

Once again I'm struck with the unbearable feeling of loss, it's almost enough to make me want to return to the sofa, but I can't, I tell myself, I can't return to my trance- like state. I can't, I mustn't turn into my mother, even though I'm probably too far gone anyway.

As I walk towards the window, I can almost hear primrose, her comforting humming, her occasional sighs or giggles. I miss my sister. I miss her so much.

I lift the curtain and peek out of the window, I'm greeted by an unusual sight, a boy with blonde locks is digging up my front garden. The garden my sister and mother used to plant their herbs in! No! What is he doing! Overcome by rage I storm to the front door and for the first time in months I'm greeted by the sweet sutty smell of district twelve, it's familiarity is enough to make me stop for a second. The days before the hunger games come back to me, hunting with my father, playing with sweet prim, trading in the hob. I miss it. I miss it all, sometimes I wish I could return to the time before the uprising,none of the people I love would've gotten hurt, not Madge, not Finnick, not prim, not Peeta...

Not Peeta. I miss Peeta, I miss the familiarity of his sure, strong arms, I miss his shy eyes and his smile, I miss him. I hate the capitol for what they did to such a sweet boy, he'll never be the same, ever.

After what seems like an eternity of just breathing in the fresh air, I remember why I came out here, that idiotic boy, doesn't he know better than to uproot people's gardens?

The smell hits me first, the smell of freshly baked bread, then I recognize his hair. „Peeta?", my voice barely comes out in a whisper, I haven't used it in a while. „Peeta?", I repeat, this time I sound more like my old self, although my voice comes out a little harsh. Startled the boy turns his head, relief and happiness floods my body at first, but then I realize that this is not the Peeta I used to know, this is the mutt the capitol created to destroy me. He's gotten better though, I can see it in his eyes, he doesn't hate me as much as he used to. My body moves towards him, almost against my will.
„Katniss."
As I approach him, my eyes flicker to his hands. What is he doing? I realize he's planting something, some kind of flower. I'm mesmerized by the delicacy of the beautiful pink Petals as realize what this is.

„A primrose?"

„Yes.", Peeta is still struggling, I see it in his eyes, seeing me still poses a challenge. I can only imagine what memories must be flooding his brain. Fake of course, but most likely horrifying nonetheless. Why did he come back to district twelve? Why did he come back to me? I'm not sure whether I should feel happy or angry, did he come back to make my recovery harder, to constantly remind me of my loss?

„Katniss," , he says carefully, perhaps recognizing the look on my face. I feel a hot tear running down my face, I hate that I've given him the pleasure of seeing me cry. „ I'm so sorry." , he continues with a real note of sincerity. He's still good at acting I suppose, or is he telling the truth?

„I'm sorry for your loss Katniss. Prim was the sweetest, most gentle soul I've ever met, I can only imagine how hard it's been for you these last couple months." , the funny thing about this is that these are the exact words I used to describe Peeta with. Kind, sincere, gentle, generous. I have to remind myself that these adjectives no longer truly apply. A part of me, though, wants to believe that he's returned because he's overcome his hate for me, after all if there is one person that could beat hijacking it would be Peeta.

What am I saying? Why do I still trust him so much?

As soon as I think this though I hate myself for it, I should try to trust him again. Peeta would've helped me through the hijacking no matter how painful for him. I still don't deserve Peeta, I'm forever indebted to him, does this still apply though? Yes, I think, yes it does. I walk up to him and embrace him, not caring that this might set him off, he returns the hug after a couple of seconds.

I decide not to hate Peeta, can he ever fully recover, or is that hoping for too much? Maybe we could become friends eventually. Maybe.