Moving midway through the school year during your senior year is something not everyone experiences. But to those who do move, I understand where you come from. Unlike before where once you moved, you were forced to start a new school, I had the pleasure of attending my senior year in my old high school online because of COVID's online learning construct.
I had the benefit of staying in touch with my teachers and peers through a screen. However, that was it. I could only watch from behind a screen.
I couldn't talk to them verbally because of my damaged mic. Even if I wanted to engage with them in their funny or interesting conversations, typing was too slow. The topic changed by then. I would be left with a half written sentence being deleted to type regarding the next topic, only to delete it the same way. But sometimes when I could get a word in, no one saw the text. The text channel may not load, or simply, they forgot that I was still online attending class.
It wasn't just the sorrow that I couldn't engage in conversation during class. The sorrow also came from club activities. They all joined clubs, and I so badly wanted to as well. I couldn't because I was online. They did club activities, senior events and friend-group hangouts that I only heard about through discord chats and Google Classroom updates.
I could only dream of being there. With them. Enjoying my senior year. But I watched from a completely different city.
I felt so isolated from a world that I wished to be in.
I begged my parents to go to the school; to help feed the loneliness that started to build. They always said no though, unless it was graduation related like yearbook pictures. A onetime occurrence. They grew sick and tired of me asking to always go, and I lost hope of ever even going back to my old home city to even visit. I eventually stopped asking. I grew sick of asking.
I remember I would blankly look at the screen. I remember, one time, when I saw my friends on screen talking and I lifted my hand and caressed the screen.
I broke down because the loneliness finally crushed me.
I never heard what they said anymore. When they conversed in front of the screen, remembering I was still in their class, I no longer attuned to their conversations. I never typed a reply when they asked.
A device that promised to keep me in touch became touchless.
