Stupid Cupid

Be my lesbian baby mama

“Before I hand out your eggs,” she said, “I want you all to get to know your partner. The last couple pages of our packet are questions that you need to ask each other for homework for the next class. I’m going to stop now and give you the last five minutes of class to get started, and I’ll expect these completed by Thursday.”

I flipped to the questions on the second to last page, and I bit my lip as I started to read them. The questions were generic, “like what’s your favorite color?” and “what’s the quality you like best about yourself?”

“So,” I said stiffly, and I glanced over at Parker, “We should probably figure out a time when we can figure out these questions.”

“I don’t know,” Parker sighed, folding his hands behind his head and leaning back, “I might be able to squeeze you in tonight.”

I didn’t even know how to respond to that.

How dare Parker act like I had nothing better to do than sit around and wait for him to call! Frankly, I actually had a life outside of school; I wasn’t a shut-in.

“Actually, I have dance practice tonight,” I stated stiffly, “so I won’t be able to squeeze you in, Parker.”

“Oh, so you’re a dancer?” Parker asked, and he got this sly look on his face. I watched in confusion and curiosity as he opened his packet and scribbled the word “flexible” under question fifteen. I flipped to the same question in my packet, and my eyes narrowed.

“You think my best attribute is flexibility?” I hissed through clenched teeth, and Parker shrugged.

“Flexibility makes hooking up more exciting,” he said casually, like it was no big deal he assumed he’d be having sex with me.

“Go fuck yourself!” I snapped, and the bell rang just in time for me to storm out of the room.

*

Two cucumbers, a box of condoms, and a can of whipped cream.

As I stood in the checkout line, my eyes gliding lazily over the headlines of the trashy magazines in the black metal racks, I couldn’t help but get bored and glance at the items of the man in front of me.

After seeing the weird, slightly kinky combination, I eyed the man buying the items. He was balding and flushed, and he looked to be in his late fifties. The man was bouncing from one foot to the other, and when he looked back at me over his shoulder, the man looked erratic.

Whatever floats your boat, dude, I thought as took a step back.

“Reed?”

I turned around at the sound of Thomas’s voice, and I found the kid standing at the mouth of the checkout aisle, holding up a candy bar in one hand and a small LEGO package in the other. He had this innocent smile on his face, but both Thomas and I knew that was just a form of manipulation.

“I thought you were going to the bathroom,” I said, folding my arms over my chest and raising an eyebrow. “What are those?”

“Well,” Thomas drawled, squeezing his way past a woman gabbing on her cell phone, “I could explain it to you, or we could just skip past all of that to the part where you buy them for me.”

“Oh, we can?” I replied, snorting. Thomas nodded vigoursly, and that little boy smile was still plastered on his face. I tried to form the words to say no to the toys and the candy, since I’d just bought him Twizzlers the day before.

That damn smile.

“Fine!” I cried, and I gestured towards the rubber conveyor belt, “Go ahead and put it on.”