Who I Want to Be

The Things We Cannot Change

Because Clo is absent I end up partnering with Wendy again. Today her hair is pulled back with bejeweled butterfly clips. They are beautiful, but I could never wear them; on me they'd be childish.

"Hey, how do you draw mountains again?" I pull a brown pencil crayon from my pile of stationary and hand it to her.

"I think just the consecutive circles, right?" We are working on a Topographic map that has to be handed in by the end of the period. Any landscape is suitable, but Wendy insisted we do the himalayan mountains.

"I know, but it just looks off." She lifts her hand off the page, revealing the worst circle I have ever seen.

"Do you need a compass or something?" Wendy looks up at me.

"Are you insulting my drawing skills? You wanna go?" Immediately I shake my hands.

"No no no. Sorry. I didn't mean it like that." Wendy laughs really loud. As if in response, the bell rings.

"Okay class," The teacher announces, "Please return your maps before leaving." Both Wendy and I look down at our disaster in sync.

"God, I hope this is not for marks." A smile cracks along her face and she falls into laughter again. "What am I talking about? This is a masterpiece!" Wendy stands up so fast her chair almost falls behind her. "Alright, I'll hand it in. See you soon." She takes her bag as she walks up to the front. She doesn't return, rather heading straight out the door.

_______

The school day only ends after a long eternity. The bus, still parked in the school lot, reeks of tobacco and ketchup - an odd combination. I tap my pencil against the dusty windowsill, my hand firmly on my notebook, and try to think up another synonym for disgusting. That word has already been used to describe me twice in one page and I need a different one. Appalling? No. Atrocious? Maybe.

When I look up Marion is walking down the aisle. My stomach registers before my brain that Emma is behind her and does a little churn.

"Hi guys," I weakly stutter. Marion barely looks up.

"Hey Gabby." As they sit in front of me, I kind of stand up and lean over the back of their seat. Marion is handing Emma a mint.

"What are you doing on the bus, Emma?" She doesn't even respond with words, just shrugs, fiddles with her candy, then pops it in her mouth. "Okay, cool." My voice melts away, mists away, and I don't know what to do next. So I sit and shamefully shove my notebook into my bag. Then, I shamelessly eavesdrop.

The two of them barely talk, and when they do their voices are muffled. I have to put my ear against their seat in order to make out some words. Even then, only a few are clear enough. Once more, I stand and lean over the back of their seat.

"Hey," I say again. Marion and Emma both turn around.

"Is something wrong?" Marion asks, annoyed.

"Oh, um not really..." I glance out the window quickly before returning to my two friends. "I guess I'm just curious about what you guys are doing.... If that's okay." Without hesitating, Marion rolls her eyes before sighing.

"We're going to see Clo," she begrudgingly admits. "You know how she's unwell, so we wanted to check up on her." Before my mind has time to stop, the next sentence is already coming out.

"Oh, good idea. If it's not too much trouble, could I... possibly... tag along?" The long moment of silence after my words frightens me. Both Marion and Emma turn to each other, and suddenly I feel sick to my stomach. Eventually Emma turns back towards me.

"Actually, I think it might be better if we just go."

"Oh, um, how come?" My words are shaking. So are my hands, my knees, my stomach, everything.