pretty when you cry ☆ {serj tankian}

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After eating at a cafe down the road, we headed to Daron's upon invitation to watch hockey. I wasn't much of a sports person, and as far as I knew neither was Serj. It was always fun to get together anyhow.

I found myself excusing myself to use the bathroom after I began overthinking anything and everything, not wanting to cause a scene. I had some nagging feeling that I was ruining a friendship, that I was pressuring Serj. We'd already crossed so many lines that friends shouldn't. Crossed lines that couldn't be uncrossed.

I wished that I could just forget about whatever we had and make things normal again. All I'd ever wanted was for him to want me like I wanted him, and now that I knew he did, I felt bad. Like I'd done something wrong. Like somehow I was a burden and he wanted to get rid of me.

There was a soft knock on the bathroom door. I let out a soft 'what' and Serj's voice could be heard from the outside, muffled and quiet. "Are you alright? You've been in there for like 15 minutes."

"Yeah." I sighed. I unlocked the door and slid past him. "I don't feel well, I'm gonna go home."

"You don't have your car though? Did you want me to drive you?"

"I'll get a cab." I replied, slipping my shoes on.

Daron watched the two of us go back and forth, his eyes flickering from the tv to us. His face read confused.

Serj looked hurt as I opened the front door to leave.

☆

When I got home I realized I was in Serj's clothes, which was upsetting for me, who was already emotional. I didn't know why I was so upset.

I decided to smoke a bowl, to calm my nerves. Smoking alone for me was always depressing, but right now it was something to distract me, not something for my enjoyment.

I slumped down onto my bed and packed the bowl, lit it, held my finger to the choke, and inhaled until I couldn't anymore. I repeated this until I was satisfied. A small cloud of smoke filled the room's air, the smell of weed strong and undeniable, almost bothersome. I slid down to the floor, my back against the wall as I fixated on a certain point in the wall.

I felt dirty, felt wrong for feeling so passionately about my friend. I didn't know why these feelings were making their way back to the surface, crawling up my chest. I wanted to shove them back down again.

I found myself thinking back on the past few days, Serj and I smoking and getting high, shotgunning only when we were alone. I was definitely one to smoke, I did quite often, but there was something different about smoking with Serj. I liked having him that close to me.

I liked the feeling of his lips against mine, locked in a kiss.

I sighed to myself, the smell of Serj's cologne still lingering on my body, soon to be washed off if i showered. I wished I could admit to myself that the smell filled me with some type of emotion.

My phone rung from the other side of the room. I was almost hesitant to get up and answer, knowing that it was more than likely Serj, but I did anyway.

"Hello?"

"Hey, I just wanted to talk."

So it was Serj.